One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
Kelvin Hassell "Speed Racer" - 16 years, 5 months, 18 days ago

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Kelvin Hassell "Speed Racer" - 16 years, 6 months, 3 days ago

Sleeping fitfully and with a serious hangover, Mikhail Gorbachev awakes with a start as the heavyset communist phone on his bedside table suddenly breaks into violent ringing.

Much the worse for wear, Gorbachev picks up the phone to hear his Foreign Secretary, Eduard Shevardnadze asks, "Gorby?!!? Gorby!!? IS that you??"

"Yes! Yes, it's me Eddy, stop shouting, I have the worst headache!!! What the hell did we get up to last night?"

"My God, Gorby, you don't remember?"

"Not really, Eddy. Did we go out?"

"Yes, Gorby!"

"Did we drink, Eddy?"

"My God, how we drank, Gorby!!!"

"Did we do anything important?"

"Oh my! Gorby, you don't remember?"

"Well, my head hurts so badly and I can hardly think. Didn't we sign some papers or something?"

"Yes, Gorby! You don't remember?"

"No Eddy, I don't bloody remember or I wouldn't be asking you!!! What the hell did we do last night that is so important that you are waking me now?"

"Gorby? Are you serious? You really don't remember?"

"Dammit, Eddy! Stop ****ing around and tell me what the hell we did last night!!!"

"Gorby, last night, we allowed any Soviet citizens who wish to leave the USSR the freedom to leave!"

"Oh no, Eddy! You mean you and I are the last people left in Moscow????"

"No, Gorby, I'm calling from Paris!"

Kelvin Hassell "Speed Racer" - 16 years, 6 months, 4 days ago

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
The Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he
Noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
Here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
About "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
With passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting
A ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his
Pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks
The Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town......
where the girls are."
Kelvin Hassell "Speed Racer" - 16 years, 8 months, 6 days ago

Ferrari sack entire Pit Crew!!!!

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some UK Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At free practice 1, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to Toro Rosso for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Vettel's bird in the shower.
Kelvin Hassell "Speed Racer" - 16 years, 9 months, 15 days ago