A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.' Alex WardleContent
- 9 years, 15 days ago
I share with you some amusing things that my mum sends to me occasionally:
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies, "F*** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, "So what were you watching?" Billy says, "Wimbledon."
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident... Enjoy! > > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > > > > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft > > > > P: Something loose in cockpit. > S: Something tightened in cockpit. > > > > P: Dead bugs on windshield. > S: Live bugs on back-order. > > > > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a > 200 feet per minute descent. > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > > > > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. > S: Evidence removed. > > > > P: DME volume unbelievably loud. > S: DME volume set to more believable level. > > > > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to > stick. > S: That's what they're for. > > > > P: IFF inoperative. > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > > > > P: Suspected crack in windshield. > S: Suspect you're right. > > > > P: Number 3 engine missing. > S: Engine found on right wing after brief > search. > > > > P: Aircraft handles funny. > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, > and be serious. > > > > P: Target radar hums. > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > > > > P: Mouse in cockpit. > S: Cat installed. > > > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. > Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. > S: Took hammer away from midget
Haven't posted any music up for a while (If you discount my aborted effort to put White Zombies Black Sunshine up here, pesky major labels with there smelly copyright issues.) This lot just caused me to spend money on another album, hadn't encountered them before but I am mightily impressed.