50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY OR JUST SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE CO

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned on, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damm thing to work. After he/she turned it on, turn it off gain, & repeat the process for a goof half-hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the office, connect each computer to a different screen then the one it’s setup with.

Write a program that plays the “Simpson’s” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.

Enter the office, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.

Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

Ask around for a spare disc. Offer £2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disc out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”

Every time you press Enter and there is processing time required pray “ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.

DISK FIGHT!!!

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is a great way to make new friends).

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion sleeps tonight” whenever there is processing time required.

Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper; tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.


Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the cd-rom drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.

When you’re on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, and look at the person next grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it’s far more effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Come to the office wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then goto the supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to each key (i.e. the Delete k
Unknown "Smithy" Lonely - 16 years, 10 months ago

20 Words That Should Exist

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Unknown "Smithy" Lonely - 16 years, 10 months ago

*****20 different people you might meet in the bathroom*****

1) Excitable : Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable : Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross eyed : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid : Can't piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back.

5) Indifferent : All urinals taken, pisses in sink.

6) Clever : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor

7) Worried : Not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous : Plays stream up, stream down, and tries to hit other urinals.

9) Absent minded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish : Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see bubbles.

11) Sneak : Farts quietly while pissing, acts very innocent.

12) Patient : Stands very close while waiting, reads with free hands.

13) Desperate : Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough : Bangs dick on the side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient : Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

16) Fat : Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoe.

17) Little : Stands on a box, falls in and drowns.

18) Drunk : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled : Stands for a while, fires up, walks away.

20) Conceited : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

Unknown "Smithy" Lonely - 16 years, 10 months ago

Words of Wisdom:

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live!!!!

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-
help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
removed?

Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see and endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are!

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals"

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

If at first your don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


Unknown "Smithy" Lonely - 16 years, 10 months ago

Signs that you are too drunk

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
* At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
* You wake up in the morning and wonder wich way is up.


Unknown "Smithy" Lonely - 16 years, 10 months ago