Starting back to college this week...full time online....nights will be busy..but I still love you all!!!!
Unknown "♥Twinkle♥" Neglected - 16 years, 8 months, 17 days ago

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts
to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them
for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I
asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he say s 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.

Unknown "♥Twinkle♥" Neglected - 16 years, 8 months, 25 days ago

i understand how scissors can beat paper, and i get how a rock can beat scissors, but there is no fucking way paper can beat rock. is paper suppose to magically wrap around the rock and leave it immobile?why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? i'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. when i play paper rock scissors, i always choose rock. then when somebody clams to have beaten me with their paper i can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit i'm sorry, i thought paper would protect you, you asshole.
Unknown "♥Twinkle♥" Neglected - 16 years, 9 months, 22 days ago

some rules to follow



1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.


5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.


7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget all about the toothache.


8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


10. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.......... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT..... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.


Unknown "♥Twinkle♥" Neglected - 16 years, 9 months, 22 days ago