i am my own worst enemy. I'm at work and have lost it. functional.. but. only like a puppet who has lost all but its most vital strings.
i have pushed away so many and i don't know why. i don't know what this monster inside me is. or were it came from or what's feeding it. i just know its all me.
i've taken for granted so many and so much. built up relationships over years and then knocked them down in fowl destructive motions. i have been spreading this beast around starting with the ones that were closest to me and then flailing out from their. and its my fault for not controlling it. not realizing it was their. not doing something about it before it was all too late.
i repeated it over and over again. insanity right.
and i sit here typing on this fucking keyboard like you who can read this don't already know these things. on one of the deadest nights at my job since i got back to it i have too much free time to think and type and smolder over my own burning emotions and brain. so i release it this way. and i let you all read it so it feels real to me. I'm extraverted so of course i have to make this real by getting outside stimuli... even if their is none just knowing that its not trapped in just my LJ makes me feel better. knowing that maybe some will read this and take some snippet of life out of it.
i call myself Frygoblin because the little fucking monster in me is their. and i have battled with it my entire life. this little fucking side of me that just says "fuck it up break it destroy" by owning it i think i can control it more.
but i lost control. and the goblin has become this ogre. heh.... horns and all.
for whatever reason... this has been m self image since i stepped out of childhood and into adolescence... and it hasn't been dealt with enough i guess. and into my young adult hood it seemed to go away. but i mature more now... trying to be the best man i know how to be and failing miserably. falling down and taking people with me close to me. my horns stabbing the ones closest to me and puncturing the ones who had the most trust in me being a good person.
i cant hide myself i cant just slip into the fucking night and disappear from all of it and give u guys a break from my bullshit because in the deepest parts of me.. I'm just afraid of being alone. so much that i push away subconsciously before i smother.... again.
so at this point i don't know what is right. do i hide away in a cave of wires and electric glow or out in the free wild in order to cure myself? is that what i need wether i like it or not... solitude?
does the minotaur need to go into the labyrinth to protect, honor and respect the world others and itself? and embrace the darkness... to become more self aware. to have the eyes adjust to the black and see things threw different sized retinal scans. become more focused and precise and controlled.
i think i just answered myself.
yes i do.
Frygoblin grew the fuck up... and he is scary now... i do not know what i am. but he has to leave. before more pain from crushing embraces or gorging horns gets doled out to the innocent or even the not to innocent.
yes these words are dramatic and hyped up but don't judge me and my dramatization. judge yourselves. i don't do this for you. i do it for me.
Unknown "Peaceful" Scared
- 16 years, 6 months, 25 days ago
