A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
- Buster Keaton

Two lions broke loose in the zoo and were eating a clown.
One lion said to the other …
“Does this taste funny to you?”
- Unknown

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

In order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
- Unknown

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- Unknown

I’m a classic example of all humorists — only funny when I’m working.
- Peter Sellers

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- Unknown

The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
- Unknown

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
- Gareth T :)

Isn’t it funny how the people who want quiet are always the loudest trying to get everyone else to shut up.
- Gareth T :)

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
- Gareth T :)
Unknown "cute" Purring - 16 years, 26 days ago

Ways to keep yourself entertained when really really really bored.....

Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out shapes and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message (perhaps that funny shape is saying, 'send all your money to urban75.com'?)

See how long you can hold a note
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can. Earn extra points for making your partner laugh or ending on an amusing note.

Try to not think about penguins
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

Use your secret mind power
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Pick a passing by and try to use your mind power to command them do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out.

Pretend you're a robot
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Walk down the street with mechanical movements, adding 'zzzzzt' sounds with each motion. Pretending to have a motor broken in, say, your left hand can add at least 30 seconds more entertainment.

Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Rate passers by
(Amusement Potential: 10-15 minutes)
Secretly award passers by marks out of ten as you go along, offering (unsaid) expert criticism over their clothing, hairstyle and footwear choices.

Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises.

Pinch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)
There's not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.

Pretend to be a car
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.

Make Star Trek door noises
(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)
Stand by an electric door to a bank or something and make that silly "Scccccccchwop" sound heard whenever people popped on to the bridge to hang with Captain Kirk.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

Invent a weird twitch
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Adopt a bizarre twitch (e.g. flicking your head irregularly, twitching with eye or busting out sporadic cough noises) and try it out when you go shopping.

Make a low buzzing noise
(Amusement Potential: 15-30 minutes)
Hours of fun in libraries! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see who reacts.

Unknown "cute" Purring - 16 years, 1 month, 19 days ago

10 RULES YOUR TEEN WON'T BE LEARNING IN SCHOOL

For any of you with teens who missed Ann Landers column I thought this was good enough (and true enough) to pass on.

1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 86 times a day.
2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. This may come as a shock.
3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be vice-president or have a car phone, either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a designer label.
4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss!
5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.
6. It's not your parents' fault if you mess up. You're responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life" and "You're not my boss."
7. Before you were born, your parents weren't boring. They got that way paying your bills and listening to you.
8. Life is not divided into semesters. And you don't get summers off. Not even Spring Break. Your are expected to show up every day for eight hours, and you don't get a new life every 10 weeks.
9. Smoking does not make you look cool. Watch an 11 year old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20.
10. Your school may be "outcome-based," but life isn't. In some schools, you're given as many times as you want to get the answer right. Standards are set low enough so everyone can meet them. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life -- as you will find ut.

Good Luck. You are going to need it -- and the harder you work, the luckier you will get.
Unknown "cute" Purring - 16 years, 1 month, 19 days ago