I found this amusing and wanted to share it with you all:
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!"
"Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane
during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on
'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning
my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?"
Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay, my brother said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why
would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him
she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Louise is now a bachelor party favorite after we patched her up with tape
Unknown "Sex and Candy" Seductive
- 16 years, 4 months, 17 days ago
