8 out of 10 voices in my head say "Don't Shoot"
Unknown "Tattooed Beauty" Annoyed - 16 years, 3 months, 23 days ago

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm
going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened
the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , etc.

All that he could think of saying was, "Yes,
Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have
frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,
Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the
freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened
the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN
SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES,
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and... they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a
sweet story?

Unknown "Tattooed Beauty" Annoyed - 16 years, 8 months, 26 days ago

There were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc. Each had an "A" so far for the semester. The four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They told him they had gone to UVA for the weekend and planned to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! Each one, in his separate room, thought the exam was going to be easy. After finishing the first problem they turned the page.

On the second page was written:


For 95 points:

Which tire?
Unknown "Tattooed Beauty" Annoyed - 16 years, 9 months, 19 days ago

The Perfect Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirin s $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . ..
PRICELESS!

Unknown "Tattooed Beauty" Annoyed - 16 years, 9 months, 20 days ago

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Unknown "Tattooed Beauty" Annoyed - 16 years, 9 months, 20 days ago