And now the time has come to finally admit the truth that i have been running from all this time: I am completely out of control. I try so very hard to maintain some sort of balance in my life. I find that as long as I am the only one working toward it, it is impossible to accomplish. Honestly, it feels like the end to me. It seems as though I never have the time to finish everything i consider important. The things I am able to do I rarely feel satisfied with, and there is always a list double in length of things I don't even get to start on. It is very obvious to me that this job is too big for me. I think it shows, because on the surface things look right. If you took a closer look, you could see that everything is falling apart. so at this point it seems logical to note that I have two basic options: I can either give up completely and let these infections consume me slowly until there is nothing left or I can choose to place in my trust in a power greater than myself. I believe in love, don't mistake me. Love is the power I want to live by, but now I must bring myself to surrender to it. One attack after another has left me so unsure of where I am going. I just want to scream out for help. As I am typing these words for all of you to read, a sadness is pouring out of me from deep down-wherever it is I keep all the things that eat away at me. It's almost a relief to express it, except for the fact that despite knowing my basic options, I have no actual plan for correcting the issue. What now? Would it be better just to let my fear conquer me? And what am I so afraid of anyway? I couldn't even tell you. Scared of admitting what I've already had to admit-that I can't live alone. A part of me would really love to pretend I can do everything on my own. However, I can admit that my experience shows me repeatedly that is not the case. At one point, I was really starting to understand my life, but I feel that even then I was more interested in sex than I was in love.


time to start over-start going to meetings again, doing my steps, reading my book, but how on earth will I fit all that into my 3 jobs, school, and limited free time? I'm not sure how all this will work out, but I am trying to be faithful. For those of you who pray at night, drop a line in there for me please. I'd be gald to return the favor. peace and much love from jamie.
Jamie Pipes Calm - 15 years, 8 months, 25 days ago

I NEED NEW PETS. I have no active pets so just wanted to use this small space to say if anyone wants a new owner and wants to be bought just inrotroduce (or reintroduce) yourself to me so that we can arrange something. peace and much love from ur hippie sister jamie.
Jamie Pipes Calm - 15 years, 9 months, 10 days ago

So not to put anyone on blast but when i woke up this morning, my roomate and her friend were cozied up in the bed together and i just stopped to register this: 'damn that's really the only thing i want at this given time-just someone to snuggle with, to be close to and keep me warm.' and shortly after i realized i have many options but i am just too picky i guess!! anyways everyone have a great day and leave me some friggin comments why don't you? lol, jamie!
Jamie Pipes Calm - 15 years, 9 months, 20 days ago

I finished this semester with a cummulative 3.23 GPA and 3.54 overall GPA. That's dropping from last semester, but i am also struggling with my health-mental and physical this time around. so i will cut myself a little slack, save some room for fuck-ups. I guess part of growing up is realizing that u aren't as grand as u once thot; similarly, not as horrid as u once thot. Speaking personally, growing to find that I am not perfect-not even close-and there is really no reason for me to even want to be anything but what i am. Because if i was i wud never learn anything, never mess up, or have the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. And life wud be so very dull. i don't want that. so just for today, i can be thankful for my weakness, beacause being honest abt it means i am able to seek and accept help from a power greater than myself. hope u all have a great day, a great holiday, and hey-wat's up with some gifts yall? my tree is so bare. Drop me off a present or two and i will return the favor!! peace and much love from ur hippie sister jamie.
Jamie Pipes Calm - 15 years, 11 months, 3 days ago

girl i liked told me tonight i have absolutely no chance to be anything more than a friend to her. very sad about that. not sure where to go from here-feeling lost now.
Jamie Pipes Calm - 16 years, 2 months, 21 days ago