What Plans Have You for Me, Lord?
What plans have you for me, Lord?
What future could you give?
I see no light at the end, Lord,
No redemption for what I did.
I feel no love in my heart, Lord,
I do not feel any joy.
I have maternal instincts, Lord,
But no ability to love any boy.
I want to fight for my country, Lord,
I am not afraid to die.
I am only afraid, Lord,
Because I do not want to see men cry.
Despite my begging, Lord,
Even though I plead,
You do not stop me from hurting, Lord,
Those few men who succeed.
The few men who have loved me, Lord
Do not know my pain.
Though they feel their own discomfort, Lord,
When my wrath, upon them, falls like rain

Kinsette "Jenny" Uncertain - 15 years, 7 months, 26 days ago

Lost, At Last
I am lost at last, not that I wasn’t lost at first. I stubbornly proclaimed I saw the way. It shone before me bright as any lamp or light, guiding me on my path. I see it now, only the Spanish moss next to the leader’s helmet. As my guide left, I did not notice. It took me so long to see all I was staring at was the faint glow of moss. I am now lost, with no up, no down, no guide to lead me. The blackness pulls me in, as a fly into a honey pit. I see a half a hope, but it is not a path it is a goal. It is everywhere, and it is nowhere. I reach up, it seems down. I reach sideways and it is behind me. My goal is fleeting, seemingly unattainable; while so close I cannot give up all hope. Every time I reach, it slips through my fingers. I see it, but I am too broken to ever take it, let someone whole, someone worthy, take my dreams. I lie, facedown, in the filth and stink of my own life, near hopeless, with no legs to stand on, and no will to live.

Kinsette "Jenny" Uncertain - 15 years, 7 months, 26 days ago

Friend
I need a lover and a friend. I do not want someone who smothers me, I do not need a “relationship” where I feel squished, smothered, I need someone to talk to, someone to be close with. I need someone who, when I feel rambunctious, will play with me, will be fun. I need someone who will cuddle me and listen when I am sad. I need someone who will make me feel beautiful, worth something, alive. I need a close friend, someone I can trust and will not judge me, and who will love me. I do not need a lover and distant friend. I want someone who tells me softly that he cares, who protects me, who understands me, and can help me stand on my own, not just lean on him. I can pseudolove almost any man, but my real love, is hard to earn and hard to lose. I need someone that is worthy, not just to me, but to my heart. As awful as I seem sometimes, as horrible as I am, I have a soft underbelly beneath my porcupine appearance. I don’t just want someone, I need someone right now. I am so tired, so worn out, I need a friends shoulder to cry on and a lover to hold me, to tell me everything will be ok, even if it’s not.

Kinsette "Jenny" Uncertain - 15 years, 7 months, 26 days ago

TRY

My love for you fills every corner of my heart.
I follow you as Death follows Life.
You are my better half,
In every way
Love.

I Know that I am far from perfect.
I am flawed in many ways.
When you hold me close,
All my sins
Vanish.

My eyes have strayed dear.
My hands never will.
I can’t be perfect,
But I can
Try.

Kinsette "Jenny" Uncertain - 16 years, 10 months ago

Love

Have I ever truly been loved? Have they all lied? Oh, Lord, help me, only you can get me by. My deepest sorrow is pulling away, when I reached out I felt nothing and I could not go by faith alone. I loved them all. My heart has been ripped out one thousand times. I did it to myself. I loved them. Why? They say they loved me. They said it would be us, forever. Forever is so short, isn’t it God? Only you will not fail me. Only you will not turn your back on me. Am I so unlovable? Am I so cruel that they think cruelty does not affect me? I loved them. I may have hid it because of my fear. I may have tried to forget that I loved them, but I always came back. They never did. They said many mean things, God, they hurt me. They crushed not only my pride but also my heart and soul. Why? Am I an ugly wicked creature who deserves naught but hate? Why then would they pretend to love me? Why not just shove a stake through my heart? I would rather they outright kill me than play with me as they do. It is more than I can bear. I cannot cope, I draw patterns and words on my body with fire and blood, but still I cannot dull the pain. I watch as my skin bubbles but I do not feel it for the pain inside. As the stream of blood oozes from my veins I do not feel it, I feel a sort of joy, a masochistic tendency, like a coke addict with his first fix of the day. God why do I feel this pain horrible enough to send me into the arms of my love, Mutilation. If I was loved would I still be so self-destructive? Would I still hate my self so much? Is that it God? Can no one love me because I do not love myself? Oh save me from my nighttime lover, save me from my own Mutilation. I must learn to love myself, that in turn someone might love me. Thank you God, I will try. I love you.

Kinsette "Jenny" Uncertain - 16 years, 10 months ago