How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights
and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit and mint enhanced conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum,
leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging
out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Whokilled Myfish "My catfish" Cheeky - 15 years, 4 months, 28 days ago

This weekend I am going to dig a large hole in my garden, put a big box in it, then fill it with lots of my favorite things, like jelly babies and videos of It ain’t half hot mom. Then I am going to climb into the box myself, and pull the lid down. I have taken the precaution of drilling holes into the lid so I can breath (not the side cos I don’t want worms getting in!!!). Then I have asked a friend of mine to fill the hole in, and erect a plaque that I made earlier. The plaque is there to show future generations exactly where I buried my time capsule.

The plan is simple, in about 300 years time, our postdeccessors will stumble upon my plaque and wonder what it could be, they will then start digging, and find my box. Apart from thinking they have entered a vortex and ended up in an episode of Lost, they will prise off the lid to find myself, jelly babies, It ain’t half hot mom video collection (series 1-3), and an array of weird and wonderful things from the year 2008.

They will invite me into their homes (yeah right call that a home?? It’s a tree house without the tree!!!), and let me take a shower and freshen up. They will then offer me something to eat, but I don’t like the look of it, so I decline, luckily I have packed enough jelly babies.

Whilst pulling a jelly baby from my pocket, one of them stares at me, and grabs my hand before I can put the little green thing in my mouth. I look at him and ask what he thought he was doing, to which he replied that it is illegal to eat a baby. Like Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! It’s not real, it’s made of jelly.

Then one of the females (a pretty young thing, with long wavy hair, and thighs that could crack walnuts) takes my bag of jelly babies off me and walks to the elevator (come on, it’s in the future, they don’t have stairs!!!). being in the future the elevator is almost immediate, and by the time I get there she has gone, jelly babies and all. I press the button and wait (just keeping it real and believable lol). When the elevator arrives I leap in and I am whisked off thru what looks like galaxies and black holes, super novas, you name it I can see it whizzing by me. Finally the elevator stop, and I step out, I look around me and I can’t see anyone, let alone the sexy little jelly baby thief. In the distance I see a light, so I head off in that direction.

After an hour or so of walking I finally realize what the light was, it was a giant statue that was lit up like a beacon, so I carry on walking and heading towards it.

As I get near there are some rocks, and I momentarily lose sight of the statue for a moment, when I pass the rocks, I can’t believe what I am faced with.

It must be at least a thousand feet tall, and it is a statue of Bertie Basset, no shit, serious!!! At this point I wonder if I am having acid flash backs, but a well spoken armadillo assures me that I am not and everything is real.

On Berties right foot, I can see what looks like a doorway of somekind, you know the type on Star Trek that slide open and make a “woooooosh” kind of noise?? It looks like one of those. I press the button next to it, and sure enough WOOOOOOOOOSH it opens up, and I cautiously enter.

Inside I can only describe his foot as massive, you could have a city the size of London in his little toe (does Bertie Basset actually have toes??). I stop to just take it all in and look around, just the I start to hear what sounds like laughing in the distance, so I try to work out which direction it is coming from. I think it is coming from over there, so I walk in that direction. How wrong could I be??? I forgot I was actually inside the foot of a statue and I completely forgot about echoes (please don’t write in to say that in 300 years time we would be living in zero gravity and so there would be no such thing as echoes, cos I will just tell you to get a life and publish your name on my page under the subtitle GEEK!!!!).
Whokilled Myfish "My catfish" Cheeky - 16 years, 2 months, 8 days ago

So anyway after I realize it was an echo (don’t!! I warned you!!!) I turn around and catch a glimpse of something moving and disappearing behind a toadstool (I know, but a toadstool sounds better than a veruca don’t you agree??). on reaching the toadstool, I can see footprints on the inside of the arch of Berties foot (happy now??). I take the decision to follow them to see where they lead. Just then again I see something moving, this time it is nearer so I start to run towards it, by this time the laughing I heard earlier was extremely loud, so I knew I must be in the right place.

I look left, I look right and finally I see what was making all that noise, it was a life size jelly person!!!!!!!!!!!! Honest, swear to god it was stood there in front of me, bold as brass, translucent red with a slightly crispy white coating. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Old red eyes started walking over to me, and held out his hand as if to shake mine.

I took his hand and shook it back, friendly bunch of people jelly people, they don’t hold anything against us for eating their babies, and that is a fact.

He led me over to a beautiful looking candy garden (well it is in Bertie Basset’s foot!!) and sat me down on a three stripe licquorice cube (for the anoraks out there, black, white and pale orange). Then he started to speak. I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying, as it was a little garbled (come on, stay with it he’s made of frigging jelly!!!!) before pointing at a sign on the wall. I stood up to get a closer look at the sign and it said “Remember, take care whilst emptying buckets into the fridge”.

This confused me a bit, as back in 2008 we don’t empty buckets into fridges. I asked old red eyes what it meant. Again he mumbled something, and I was still none the wiser, so in true News of the World reporter style I made my excuses an left.
I was beginning to wish I’d never even dug that hole let alone put myself into a time capsule. Then it dawned on me, It ain’t half hot mom, of course, the boys to entertain you!!! If anything could help me surely it was them (not only that if I get into trouble, and end up being chased by a tiger or anything then at least the short fat camp one would get caught first thus leaving me free to make good my escape.

So I find the nearest electrical shop, and show them the video cassettes I have in my pocket, at first they laugh, and I assure them that yes it is a very funny programme. Then I realize they are laughing at the actual cassette. So I start to waryly back out of this establishment as the staff are all obviously crazy, and make a beeline for the woooooshy door.

Finally I reach it, but there is not button!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trapped in Bertie Bassets foot…..
Whokilled Myfish "My catfish" Cheeky - 16 years, 2 months, 8 days ago

I know my photo doesn't really do me justice, but I am amazed at the amount of pretty girls that come and visit my profile.
Not that I am complaining of course lol
Either that or seek psychiatric help!!! lol
Whokilled Myfish "My catfish" Cheeky - 16 years, 3 months, 15 days ago

Any thumb that you give will be appreciated, thanks
Whokilled Myfish "My catfish" Cheeky - 16 years, 3 months, 19 days ago