14th march 2008

ahhhhhhhhhchoooooooo!! drags and dragettes, I hereby notify you that dragoness is suffering from an almighty case of snottyness.. High temp and everything which is soooooo not what I need being as tho I breathe fire ffs.

I thought I would pen a wee tale as boredom strikes this woeful sorry arsed dragon.
I hate being ill, it makes me angry and it was that arsyness that got me into trouble this very morning..

You see, there I was all sniffling and little puffs of smoke escaping my mouth upon coughing when there was are loud banging at the door.. I opened it to see a knight stood there holding on to the side of the door, gasping for breath and nearly in a state of collapse.. "help me" he said... so being the nice natured dragon that I am, I let him in.. "call 999 I am sick, I am dying" was the shit that was coming out of his mouth.. So I settled him down in a chair and asked what was wrong. "I am aching, got a temp, snotty and can't breathe" he said so I agreed with him and said that I felt the same... "ohhhhhh I am much worse than you" he said.. and then told me to take a lemsip and call 999 for him coz he was MUCH worse than me...

So I sorta sat there and looked at him and said "Do you have man flu?" "Why yes" he replied, the worst illness of them all.. At that point I sorta snapped coz I felt crap too and how DARE HE!! think he was much more poorly than I am.. so I got up and BIT HIS FOOKIN HEAD OFF AND LAUNCHED IT WITH A LEMSIP HANGING OUT OF HIS MOUTH. BACK TOWARDS THE KINGDOM... Poorly dragons are much more bad tempered than usual.... BE WARNED!!!!
Unknown "Ineffable" Wild - 16 years, 8 months, 20 days ago

sigh!!! 9th march 2008

This dragon hates Sundays... so boring, no victims and nothing to set fire too sigh!!

I have slobbed about in my pj's all day, nothing to do, well thats a lie coz the cleaning has been winking at me but whats the point. I don't really have any mates.. I made a mental note to be nice to visitors to my lair in the hopes that I will be asked to parties and fun days out and stuff... Being a dragon can be lonely you know. With that in mind I jumped with joy at about 3 p.m.. A VISITOR WOOOHOOO!!

I skipped to the door (no sniggering thank you) and welcomed in the peasant from the kingdom. I was a good hostess, I offered them biscuits and a coffee and sat there trying to look interested as I listened to them waffling on, stammering and stuttering, most probs coz they were shit scared of me.

I got the playstation out and showed them my collection of games... and I have to say the afternoon was splendid sigh!! BUT THEN IT HAPPENED..

The peasant asked if they could have a picture of me on their phone and I thought awwwww thats sweet so I allowed it, but after it was taken the peasant made a mistake of saying "SWEEEEEEEEET!! noone is gonna believe this, I have so easy won the bet"

Sound of a record scratching would be appropriate here coz they realised their mistake...

I calmly smiled and said tell you what my dear friend, would you like another photo just to make sure you win that bet?? ohhhhhhh!! they were so ecstatic so I said I would take a picture of the two of us... we had to get real close to take it and as we posed... I TURNED, BIT THE FOOKERS HEAD OFF WHILST TAKING THE PIC AND SENT THE PHOTO TO EVERYONE IN THE PEASANTS PHONE BOOK!!!!!!!!! then I fireballed the body with the phone back to the kingdom...
Lazy Sundays ay??????
Unknown "Ineffable" Wild - 16 years, 8 months, 24 days ago

5th march 2008

Welcome one and all to the latest instalment in the dragons den diary

I spent some time thinking today about an incident that happened to me when I first joined the internet world of chat and all things bonkers...

Ya see there was this knight who was friendly and delightful and I could have slapped him on a buttie and ate him.. Anyways the chat was great for a while when he turned around and typed ' you make me wanna touch myself' wtf?? I sorta pulled a face at the screen and thought oh my god wot is this all about.. then the comments started coming thick and fast... 'I want you'... 'Right now'... 'type dirty to me' .... 'put your webcam on and let me watch you play'... I was gobsmacked.. I mean who the feck wants to watch anyone playing the playstation ffs.. It was then that I decided that I wasn't going to talk to him anymore.... but the messages still kept appearing on my screen... SO ENUFFS ENUFF..
I turned around and said 'Baby I am so hot for you right now (i am a fuckin dragon of course i am hot.. ffs), why not meet up with me and I will really show you some HOT stuff and give you a HOT time'
Well fck me, he was like yeah yeah defo, bring it on baby, so I arranged to meet him.. I filed my talons and put on some lippy and set off from my all mod cons cave and flew to the address he had given me.. I got out my mobile and text to say leave the door open, lie on your bed naked and wait for me..
So in I went ... up the stairs gently calling his name.. opened the bedroom door to find a knight laying there all nakie except for his helmet and visor... and I inhaled and said ohhhhhhhh baby your gonna enjoy this.... and I FLAMED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM WITH MY FIREY BREATH WHILST MOUTHING ... I DON'T CYBER YOU FECKIN MONKEY..
I walked out satisfied and with a healthy glow, happy in the knowledge i had given the prick the most sizzling night of his life...
CYBER MONKEYS BEWARE.... DON'T TRY IT WITH THE DRAGON!!!!

Unknown "Ineffable" Wild - 16 years, 8 months, 28 days ago

1st march 2008
Diary entry from the dragon

Today I had lunch with Idris... The welsh dragon.. I think he is hot bit of stuff meself all red and corrrrr firery. Anyway he showed me his latest mobile phone so I got sorta jealous coz ya know... I AM THE HIP AND HAPPENING DRAGON IN THIS KINGDOM THANK YOU VERY BLOODY MUCH!! Anyways I legged it into town and got the latest touch screen mobbie device, which is a shitter with such long claws but the other dragons said I will just get used to it.

It was a nitemare setting up this phone but I managed it and sent off my first few texts. I got answers off them all.. apart from one. I sat there for hours looking at my phone but still it didn't go bing, SO ENUFFS ENUFF... I took off from my launching pad and flew past the Kingdom, left a bit ... over the trees and landed in their poxy garden (I am posh remember) I sauntered up to the door and hammered on it and when the door was opened I got the best excuse ever "oh hiya ermmm!! was just about to text you" YEAH YEAH!! likely story so I did no more... I BIT THEIR FOOKIN HEAD OFF AND LAUNCHED THEIR HEAD AND MOBILE PHONE INTO THE OLDE VODAFONE SHOPPE IN THE KINGDOM.
Unknown "Ineffable" Wild - 16 years, 9 months, 3 days ago

Saturday night fever with the dragon from the kingdom of ermm!! lets just call it the kingdom..

ok, ok, how many of you dragons like nothing better than getting the slap on, putting on your gladrags and heading off to your nearest ye olde cattle market nite club for a shimmy and a boogie?? WELL I DO!!! so the latest tale from the dragons lair is about my night out..

It started off quite well to be fair.. the clear liquid that sends you funny was flowing and the music was booming courtsey of the geezer hammering a cpl of sticks on pigs skin stretched across a barrel. Anyhow the usual wenches and vagabonds were out as were the ladies and the knights... tell ya what, they don't half go at it by the cesspit those lot I can tell ya..

Ok jumping forward a bit now.. and yes dragons can jump.. there was this knight who thought he was a hot bit of stuff...

I MEAN!! fancy him thinking he was hot... next to a fookin dragon.. jesus christ almighty, mary, joseph and god I ask ya?

Anyways there he was doing the tea towel dance.. you have to be able to jump in my mind to picture that one. And he got a bit too much into my space, his breath stank of garlic... obviously the greedy shit had gone and had an early kebab.. and the chat up lines.. ohhhhhhh my fookin god.. he said i had the best ass in the club... ffs i am a dragon, i got a fookin tail and everything and we aint exactly known for petite arses.

To cut a long story short, I bent to whisper in his ear and said "Look you little wanker.. are you gonna fck off or what?"

to which he replied "but babes (fckin hate the babes word, do i look like a talking pink pig?? no I am a fckin dragon) the night is young, how about me, you, the twinkly things in the sky and that round shiney thing and a walk and maybe a ohhh la la?"

AT THAT POINT HE HAD GONE AND DONE IT... HE HAD PUSHED THE DRAGON TOO FAR.. WHAT DID I DO??? WELL BASICALLY I GAVE HIM A FIREY KISS THAT BURNT HIS STUFFIN INSIDES... BIT HIS HEAD OFF AND SHOVED A POLE UP HIS ASS THAT CAME OUT OF HIS NECK AND TURNED HIM INTO A FECKIN SPIT ROAST... more tales from the lair yet to come x
Unknown "Ineffable" Wild - 16 years, 9 months, 6 days ago