So... today, I totally got the first post in the General Discussion Express... Sweet ya?!
XD
I was so proud of meself! :D
Unknown "Bella" Ecstatic - 15 years, 10 months, 18 days ago

I just got a message from my cousin Ashley... I got it as soon as I woke up...

I wish I could stop crying, but now I see how worthless I really am.


Unknown "Bella" Ecstatic - 16 years, 25 days ago

Sometimes, I think that I think too much. I mean... why do I blow things WAY out of proportion at times? When things can be simple, I look for ways to make them more complicated.
Unknown "Bella" Ecstatic - 16 years, 29 days ago

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

I think I fear love.
Actually I know I do.

I have these thoughts... that if I commit myself to someone, get married, and have that happy family, the whole "American Dream" bull shit... Then... I will just fuck it up. This relates to my previous tale in a way.
I am way too hard on myself.
But, after my mother died, I just... I dont know, I have it drilled in my head that if I get married, and then die like she did, then I would put someone close to me in pain, so why risk it, and make someone in pain?
Also, I remember how hard it was for me to lose my mother... I would never want to do that to a child. I had no one to talk to about anything growing up. All I had was myself.

I just hope that someday I wont be alone, and that there will be someone there to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright, and that they wont hold it against me if something happens to me like my mothers case.

I dont know, I am crazy... Why am I thinking about this anyway?
Maybe I am starting to get lonely again... Maybe I am just... getting depressed... I need someone in my life.
Unknown "Bella" Ecstatic - 16 years, 1 month ago

I have met a few new people whether it be online, at work, friends friends, and what not.
I love meeting new people.
Recently I have been told that I am too reserved, and that I need to open up more. My co-workers think I am too quiet. Im sorry that I only answer questions, and never talk about myself unless asked. Its not on my list of things to do. Maybe I am reserved. Only my closest friends really know what I am like, and who I really am... and now that I think about it, Im not really sure if they know me as well as they think. I wonder if they just know what I show.
Perhaps I should open up more. I dont know, its just really hard to do I guess, and that I am scared of showing who I really am in fear of rejection...
I have been living with Jordan for several months now, and I am not too sure if he knows me as well as he thinks. Sure, he knows me better than most... but... really? Does he? Im not sure...

Im never sure about anything any more.
Unknown "Bella" Ecstatic - 16 years, 1 month ago