As I sit alone in my house, borrowing internet from an unknown source, I wonder what the next step is.
I've been alone for so long I've forgotten how to keep someone in my life... All I know is the start and a little bit into the race. but then something happens and I lose them. Maybe its me, Maybe its them. Perhaps its both.
I was once looking for more than this. I have become Mr.Right Now. This is what I thought I wanted once upon a time. I have made myself into a fun toy. But I seem to get discarded rather quickly. Maybe its because I have too much ego. Maybe its because I don't have enough...
I've become very superficial as of late. I don't let people in very often. And if I do let them in, its not for any particular reason. I get in my moods and if somebody is around at the right time, they will see me for me. I can't keep my walls up all the time. I'm running out of energy for that. So sometimes my defense systems fail spectacularly and I'm 100 percent vulnerable.
So far, it hasn't caused me much heartbreak, but it's only a matter of time before somebody looking to attack me gets a shot in when my shields are down. And that could very well send me spiraling back down into my own personal oblivion.
My anxiety has been very high for the past few months and I don't know what to do about it. I shudder to think what I will be like when i run out of wellbutrin. Its not going to be pretty.
Shields are down. direct hit on jay. Damage control teams to self-worth. Massive ego casualties. don't know how long it will take to repair the damage.
I must stay afloat.
I've ventured farther than I ever have and I'm trying but things aren't happening the way they are supposed to.
Fuck it.
Food then more studying.
Unknown "Awesome" Frisky
- 16 years, 8 months, 28 days ago
