My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me

for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm
today and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of
my next-door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has

discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual
activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

All the best for the Festive Season and may 2008 be all you hope.

Unknown "Tesssssss" Gloomy - 16 years, 10 months, 5 days ago

CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem.



I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,

"Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"





That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,



then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said,

"I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.



Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .

that phrase . . in no time."



Thank you," the woman responded,

"this may very well be the solution."

The next day,

she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.



As he ushered her in,

she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.



Impressed,

she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"



There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank.



Our prayers have been answered!"



Unknown "Tesssssss" Gloomy - 16 years, 10 months, 5 days ago

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But I knew the Boss Would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"

he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling

and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

so that the boss might think I was "Crazy"
And give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked,

"What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,

the Boss asked her,"..

And where do you think you're going....

She said, "I'm going home, too.

You can't possibly expect me to work in the dark!

Unknown "Tesssssss" Gloomy - 16 years, 10 months, 5 days ago

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
Light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

Unknown "Tesssssss" Gloomy - 16 years, 10 months, 5 days ago

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvrer such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

Unknown "Tesssssss" Gloomy - 16 years, 10 months, 8 days ago