A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother andI are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Likehell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting a divorce. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way!

:-D Ho Ho Ho!
Unknown " MR STAMINA" Cheeky - 16 years, 9 days ago

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
Back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
Ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell! ;o)

Unknown " MR STAMINA" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months ago

The power of Beer


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.



The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*


(Wait for it)

*

*

*

(It's coming)

*

*



(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)

*

*

*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

*

*


(Take a deep breath)

*

*

*






'He should've quit while he was a head !..' ;o)
Unknown " MR STAMINA" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months ago

THE TAXMAN

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question', noted the Rabbi.
'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
' What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on,
'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi.
'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
Unknown " MR STAMINA" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 6 days ago

Stick of Dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Unknown " MR STAMINA" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 12 days ago