My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from
0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized
I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed,'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Gosh!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.

Instead she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than
the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside. The woman,
bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out
the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn
bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom
and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad all
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back,now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our 20
anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'while
we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
sex?" "No", she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final
answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend".

And that's when the fight started....

Unknown "Foxy" Naughty - 15 years, 11 months, 18 days ago

Roping A Deer... (Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)

*continued b/c tales need to be lengthened....

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
> have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised
> when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of
> my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
> horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and
> shakes its head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
>
> The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
> draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
> ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
> minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
>
> I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
> by now) tricked it.
>
> While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached
> up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my
> final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
>
> Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
> their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
> their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
>
> I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes
> at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing
> to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
> the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can
> escape.
>
> This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
> not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
> strategy.
>
> I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
>
> The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
> horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit
> you in the back of the head.
>
> Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice
> as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
> hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
>
> Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
> immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
> passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
> you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
> your head.
>
> I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
>
> So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
> scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.



Unknown "Foxy" Naughty - 16 years, 10 months, 1 day ago

> Roping A Deer... (Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)
>
> This is an actual letter from someone who farms (and writes).
>
> And what a very funny story it is! Enjoy!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
> it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
>
> The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
> since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much
> fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up
> and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
> feet a way), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
> toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport
> it home.
>
> I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
> cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
> not having any of it.
>
> After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a
> likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my
> rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
>
> I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
> good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
> tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
>
> I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension
> on the rope and then received an education.
>
> The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
> there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
> when you start pulling on that rope.
>
> That deer EXPLODED.
>
> The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
> stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
> could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
>
> A deer-- no chance.
>
> That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
> controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off
> my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
> that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had
> originally imagined.
>
> The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
> animals.
>
> A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
> me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
> minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing
> out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for
> corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end
> of that rope.
>
> I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
> would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was
> no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the
> thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
>
> Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
> cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
> large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
> clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
> some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
> didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get
> it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I
> had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
>
> I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
> back.
>
*** story continued on tale above
Unknown "Foxy" Naughty - 16 years, 10 months, 1 day ago

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Have a wonderful Tuesday, people!!!
Unknown "Foxy" Naughty - 16 years, 10 months, 11 days ago

Ahhh--Sweet revenge!!!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Unknown "Foxy" Naughty - 16 years, 10 months, 13 days ago