19 things I learnt after 30 years...

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Unknown "Chic Geek " Purring - 16 years, 3 months, 4 days ago

The Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.


2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.


3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.


4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.


5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.


6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.


7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.


8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.


9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.


10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.


11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.


12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.


13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.


14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.


15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.


16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Unknown "Chic Geek " Purring - 16 years, 8 months, 8 days ago

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around he place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy," He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate and then leaves.


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is enjoying his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, then pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight,but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
Unknown "Chic Geek " Purring - 16 years, 8 months, 25 days ago

The biggest flaw is reserved for those who think they have none.
Unknown "Chic Geek " Purring - 16 years, 8 months, 29 days ago

The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett
Unknown "Chic Geek " Purring - 16 years, 9 months, 6 days ago