Bored Husband:
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips toWal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women; she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
#1 June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

#2 July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

#3 July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

#4 July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

#5 August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

#6 August 14:
Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

#7 August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

#8 August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

#9 September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

#10 September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

#11 October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

#12 October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

#13 October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK
ME! PICK ME!"

#14 October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least.

#15 October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Unknown "Spannarooni" Cheeky - 15 years, 3 months ago

Young Kevin, moved to Sydney and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Kevin replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Kevin said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are ya gonna do with him?
Kevin said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Kevin said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Kevin and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Kevin said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Kevin said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Kevin now works for the Australian Government as Prime Minister.
Unknown "Spannarooni" Cheeky - 15 years, 5 months, 4 days ago

A couple, both well into their 80s go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? '
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. ' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything, She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Unknown "Spannarooni" Cheeky - 15 years, 5 months, 14 days ago

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Unknown "Spannarooni" Cheeky - 15 years, 7 months, 1 day ago

Repost in your tales with your answers. Here are my answers...without any explanations, of course ;-)

Yes or No

1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and Asks!

Now, here's what you're supposed to do... And please do not spoil the Fun. Copy and paste this into your tales, delete my answers and type in your answers.

Kissed anyone one of your HP friends? YES
Been arrested? NO
Kissed someone you didn't like? YES
Slept in until 5 PM? NO
Fallen asleep at work/school? YES
Held a snake? YES
Ran a red light? YES
Been suspended from school? NO
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? YES
Been fired from a job? YES
Sang karaoke? NO
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? YES
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? NO
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? YES
Kissed in the rain? YES
Sang in the shower? YES
Been in prison? YES
Sat on a rooftop? YES
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? YES
Got lost really close to home? YES
Broken a bone? YES
Shaved your head? NO
Blacked out from drinking? NO
Run into a helicopter with its blades already going? YES
Played a prank on someone? YES
Felt like killing someone? NO
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? YES
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? YES
Been in a band? NO
Shot a gun? NO
Tripped on mushrooms? YES
Donated Blood? NO
Eaten alligator meat? NO
Eaten cheesecake? YES
Still love someone you shouldn't? NO
Think about the future? YES
Believe in love? YES
Unknown "Spannarooni" Cheeky - 15 years, 8 months ago