Some really useful, some not so! Enjoy!
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you
remove the garment from The washing machine you can easily locate the area
of the stain and check That it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at a chocolate Bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky. The morning after,you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of Washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles
of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip A handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it
on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
spoonful of lard.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry
wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've
taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers.
Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting
your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a
nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that
since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,
tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the
last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random
order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from
the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years
you'll have enough To insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to
the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately
punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs
than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a
handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that
important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your
goldfish bowl makes the fishes'eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
amusing manner.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully
folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
And Finally........................
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen
wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles
of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your
shopping trolley and the otherin your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal
address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Unknown "JEFFO!" Purring
- 16 years, 9 months, 21 days ago
