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Unknown
Unknown owns this human at 1278 points.
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Purring
Unknown
Unknown
"JEFFO!"



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Unknown
Last login: over 3 weeks ago
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Unknown's tales
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Unknown
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see
it my way.

6 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10 Ahhhh. I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18 Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

23 And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24 Do I look like a f ***ing people person to you?

25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31 Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33 Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.


37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the
money.

39 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41 Aren't you a black hole of need?

42 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it
over your mouth.
46 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47 Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48 Have a nice day .......somewhere else.

49 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight
away.

50 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51 Don't believe everything you think.

52 Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring

53 The voices in my head don't like you.

54 I like you, I will kill you last.

Unknown "JEFFO!" Purring - 16 years, 9 months, 7 days ago
Unknown
Road to Happieness


i feel that thing in my stomach again wonder what it’s trying to say it mulls around like a five-pound plague wish there was something i could take to make it go away they say were living in a prozac nation medication paves the road to happiness but like dorothy and her ruby shoes we all have a right to choose which way we go home twisting turning like a rapid fire merry-go-round rolling tumbling trying to keep my feet on the ground what is right? what is wrong? it’s conclusively decidedly undoubtedly maybe it’s a symptom everyone’s got philosophy everyone is talking but no one can hear reiterating thoughts from color tv why not when we’ve got digital reception from sci-fi to nbc everyone’s got a philosophy twisting turning like a rapid fire merry-go-round rolling tumbling trying to keep my feet on the ground what is right? what is wrong? it’s conclusively decidedly undoubtedly maybe it’s a symptom everyone’s got philosophy cyber savvy moral and true consciousness and yoga feng-shui guru recycling progressive tae bo and qi zen organic manifest destiny new age alternative oprah and mendhi religious-isms political-isms socialogical-isms phathological-isms does that even exist? well don’t just stand there let’s get to it strike a pose there’s nothing to it twisting turning like a rapid fire merry-go-round rolling tumbling trying to keep my feet on the ground what is right? what is wrong? it’s conclusively decidedly undoubtedly maybe it’s a symptom everyone’s got philosophy

Its a song but have no idea where from
Unknown "JEFFO!" Purring - 16 years, 9 months, 13 days ago
Unknown
Some really useful, some not so! Enjoy!



If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed.





Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you
remove the garment from The washing machine you can easily locate the area
of the stain and check That it has gone.



Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.



Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.





Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.





Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at a chocolate Bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.



Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky. The morning after,you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of Washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.



Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles
of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.



Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip A handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it
on.



Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
spoonful of lard.



An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry
wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.



Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've
taken steroids by running a bit slower.





Smokers.



Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting
your next fag from the butt of your last one.





Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a
nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know the difference.



Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that
since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,
tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.



Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the
last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random
order.



High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.



Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from
the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years
you'll have enough To insulate your roof.



Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to
the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.





A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.



Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately
punching anyone with whom you disagree.



Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs
than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.



At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a
handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.



Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that
important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.



Putting just the right amount of gin in your
goldfish bowl makes the fishes'eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
amusing manner.



A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully
folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.





And Finally........................





AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen
wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.





HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles
of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your
shopping trolley and the otherin your coat pocket.



OLD telephone directories make ideal personal
address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Unknown "JEFFO!" Purring - 16 years, 9 months, 21 days ago
Unknown
I told my girlfriend i had a job in a bowling alley, she said 'tenpin?'
I said 'no, permanent.'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor and said to him 'i'm scared of lapels',
He said 'you've got cholera'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today, I cant remember
his name. It's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today. The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I went into a pet shop. I said 'can i buy a goldfish'?. The guy said, 'sure,
do you want an aquarium'?. I said, 'I don't care what starsign it is'.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'Thats aboriginal'.

Batman came up to me and hit me over the head with a vase and went
'T'pau'. I said 'don't you mean KAPOW'?. He said 'no, i've got china in
my hand'.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before end'.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue'?
I said 'No, just a watch'.

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle'?
The bloke said 'Kenwood'. I said, 'Where is he then'?.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment Advisor asked me what i thought of voluntary work?.
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me'.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You dont need a tin opener to peel a banana'. He said 'No, this is
for the custard'.

This policeman comes up to me with a pencil and a very thin piece
of paper. He said 'I want you to trace someone for me'.

I told my mum i'd opened a theatre. She said 'Are you having me on'?
I said 'Well, i'll give you an audition, but i'm not promising you anything'.

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can i have a skip outside
my house'?. He said 'I'm not stopping you'.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest to the bull goes
first'. He said 'Baa' and i said 'Moo'. He said, 'you're closest'.

I phoned the local gym and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits.
He said 'How flexible are you'?. 'I said I cant make Tuesdays or Thursdays'.


Unknown "JEFFO!" Purring - 16 years, 10 months, 6 days ago
Unknown
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . . [] 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Thanks Craig for this :-)
Unknown "JEFFO!" Purring - 16 years, 11 months, 2 days ago
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Alexander Graesser
random comment #374) howdy
Alexander Graesser "Flambeaux" gone! - 16 years, 5 months, 2 days ago
Unknown
hi :D
You have been given dropping in to say hi.
Crafted by
Unknown "-= THE REBEL=- " Bold - 16 years, 8 months, 2 days ago
Michael
Thanks for the *pet*
:)
Michael "My Sn♥wflake" Cinta kamu Sri - 16 years, 8 months, 29 days ago
Stu

You have been given Hiya!!! I Was Here! D'oh!!.
Crafted by
Stu "Stew" Tired - 16 years, 9 months, 6 days ago
Andrew Wells

You have been given Emergency Kitten!.
Crafted by
Andrew Wells "Zazzles" Cheeky - 16 years, 9 months, 25 days ago
Stu

You have been given Hiya cutey!!! x.
Crafted by
Stu "Stew" Tired - 16 years, 10 months ago
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Unknown's shop
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