Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white Robe.
'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my
bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter.'
Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!!
That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to
my family.... you've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking
around pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said
'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before?'
'Never!' replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...
'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed!'.

Unknown "blondie" Confused - 15 years, 9 months, 3 days ago

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. 'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?''Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.Why don't you try her?' replied Batman 'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I arefriends. So I don't really want to take advantage ofher.' 'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and droveoff. Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern. 'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swingingbachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?' 'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?' Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but Ididn't realize she had gotten around so much.' and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart. Superman was tempted. Hethought to himself, 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'mhere.' So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed ___expression. 'What the hell was that??' she exclaimed 'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, 'but my ass is killing me.'

Unknown "blondie" Confused - 15 years, 10 months, 2 days ago

For those who wish to have a glass of wine...and those who don't...this is something to think about.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we would be consuming one kilo of crap.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Crap; Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.


Unknown "blondie" Confused - 15 years, 10 months, 10 days ago

Sexual harassment.



Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states
that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'


Unknown "blondie" Confused - 15 years, 12 months, 3 days ago

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their
car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
>>staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

Unknown "blondie" Confused - 15 years, 12 months, 3 days ago