The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Unknown "Davyy." Trusting - 16 years, 8 months, 13 days ago

Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening. ''Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,'' she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.
The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office.

''So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he?'' she asked.

''Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!''

And the Mother said, ''Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!''

Unknown "Davyy." Trusting - 16 years, 8 months, 13 days ago

Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
"The MOST embarrassing thing happened to me as I was getting my tickets. The teller had some of the largest, most beautiful breasts I had ever seen, and I was mesmerized. I was trying to get my mind off of them, but when I got to the front of the line, I said 'Can I have two pickets to Tittsville?' I got so red, you wouldn't believe. But the woman told me not to worry. We laughed, but I was still very embarrassed."

"A similar thing happened to me this morning. I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife, and what I was thinking was 'Honey, could you pass the toasted oats?' But what came out was 'FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'"

Unknown "Davyy." Trusting - 16 years, 8 months, 13 days ago

Accidental Bonding

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.
"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.

The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."

"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share.

"I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"

"No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."


Unknown "Davyy." Trusting - 16 years, 8 months, 13 days ago

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

Unknown "Davyy." Trusting - 16 years, 8 months, 13 days ago