Unknown "jester" - 16 years, 8 months, 9 days ago

STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)
> >
> >Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> >his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
> >
> >Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> >my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
> >a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> >100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> >supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> >assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
> >
> >WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> >home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> >button.
> >Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> >button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
> >the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> >
> >AWESOME!!!
> >
> >Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
> >the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
> >thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
> >triple-A batteries, right?!!
> >
> >There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> >little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> >really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
> >must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
> >and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
> >to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
> >did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> >
> >So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> >glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> >hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
> >would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> >supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> >three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> >ground like a fish out of water.
> >Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> >
> >All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> >long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> >(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
> >"no possible way!"
> >
> >What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
> >
> >I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> >side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
> >from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
> >decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
> >touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
> >
> >HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
> >
> >I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> >up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> >over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> >position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
> >fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
> >body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
> >standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> >licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid,
> >do it again !"
> >
> >Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> >note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
> >zap yourself.
> >You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
> >by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would
> >be considered conservative.
> >
> >SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
> >sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
> >(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> >reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
> >up there???
> >My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
> >My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
> >weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
> >significant reward for their safe return.
> >
> >Still in shock.
> >
> >P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
> >
> >"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".

Unknown "jester" - 16 years, 8 months, 9 days ago

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and out. Equally unfortunately, my wife
is like most women - - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have
been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House
wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them
in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission
Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different
sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position
and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very
loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards
Wal-Mart Manager




Unknown "jester" - 16 years, 8 months, 9 days ago