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Unknown "Sweet Pole Frog" Daring - 15 years, 10 months, 1 day ago

Hair Removal....
This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A
HOOT!) All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of
the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Unknown "Sweet Pole Frog" Daring - 15 years, 10 months, 9 days ago

Now this one is time appropriate.


LETTER TO A MOTHER
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.
I found real passion and he is so nice,with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that mom,
I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDScure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to takecare of myself.
Some day I'll visit for you so you can know your grandchildren.
Your daughter
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I justwanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!


Unknown "Sweet Pole Frog" Daring - 15 years, 10 months, 10 days ago

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total
mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Prttey amzanig, huh?

Unknown "Sweet Pole Frog" Daring - 15 years, 10 months, 10 days ago

Subject: Job discription


The Day The Penis Asked For A Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management
team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often
seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before
you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Unknown "Sweet Pole Frog" Daring - 15 years, 10 months, 17 days ago