You ever have a 'moment of clarity'? Perhaps it happens when you finally get the joke. Maybe it comes to you at 3 am after you've been playing Wii all night and finally figure out how to beat the computer. Maybe it comes when a conversation you had a few years ago finally makes sense to you.
I had one of those today.
I struggle ALOT with this path that I have chosen for myself. I wonder if I made the right choices when I was younger, if I am where I am supposed to be. That is I USED to struggle with these things. I don't anymore. And never will again. I know without a doubt that where I am is EXACTLY where I am supposed to be, and that I HAVE made the right choices. How do i know this? how could I possibly know this? My mom told me. different And it took me until today to finally realize that a conversation we had a couple of weeks before she died crushed all my fears. Too bad it took me this long to have the 'moment of clarity'.
I was smoking a cigarette this morning, just barely awake, wiping the sleep out of my eyes when the tears started rolling down my face. I wasn't sad, but I couldn't stop. It was then through the tears that I saw her standing there. I had started to come to terms with what was happening to her. She could barely walk, hardly ever got out of bed, but here she was standing in front of the entertainment center, looking at photos of me and my brother, crying. I put my arms around her, asking her what was wrong, and she told me nothing was wrong, that she was just so proud of what her boys had become. It was one of those times that is normally real umcomfortable for the kid and his parent, but I wasn't at all. I smiled and looked at her, and half-serious/half-kidding I said:
"Mom, I just want to thank you for raising a freak."
She looked at me with that motherly look in her eye and said:
"I didn't raise a freak."
Back then I tried to aruge with her, telling her that she was wrong, that I was different. I wasn't always sure back then that it was a good thing, but nevertheless, I was.
Today I saw what she said in a whole new light. She DIDN'T raise a freak. As a matter of fact, I'm probably just as normal as anybody else. It's normal to question things. It's normal to be scared of decisions you make, especially if they can change your life. It's normal to struggle in life. See my mom didn't look at the tattoos and piercings and different attitude when she looked at me. She didn't ever look at me different at all. She accepted me for who I was, not what I looked like. A mother's eyes. Eyes we should be so lucky to someday have.
The next time you meet someone who might look different than you think about it. They're probably not. I'm sure that if you take the time to even get to know them, you'd realize that in actuality they aren't. They are human just like you are. they probably have some of the same problems you do, and they probably just want you to understand that they just want to live, like everyone else.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Thanks to my friends who have gotten to know me, and accept me for who I am, you guys know who you are. Most of all, thanks for taking the time to get to know someone before you write them off. I'm sure they thank you for it too...
Unknown "Tattoo Man" Peaceful
- 16 years, 5 months, 25 days ago