HumanPets is not like I remember it. Nearly a decade ago when I was actually really active here, there were so many friendships made that the site was the first one I checked every morning. It feels different nowadays though. I still have a wonderful owner on here (she's seriously amazing!) but all the rest of my friends from back in the day have moved on. I won't lie. I moved on also for many years. After a spell of about six years, I remembered about this site or had seen it mentioned somewhere or whatever and luckily remembered my account password. Surprisingly, the site still existed and so did my account. I was amazed to see that the site was still active. I didn't stick around long though and went quiet for a few more years. Not sure what brought me back this time. I can't rightly remember what made me type HumanPets.com into the address bar and hit enter, but I did it and here I am. A few days in a row now that I've logged in and toured the site to re-familiarize myself with my old friend.

But it's not the same as it once was. I keep coming back to that thought.

I remember what made the site so fun back in the day. It was the strong sexual innuendos and adult gifs being pasted on everyone's comment pages. The in-private dirty messages and offline chats outside of HumanPets that were steamy and fun. But then you had to start paying for that. Looks like you have to still pay for that now. How is that to be justified? I will just stay a non-paying member, I guess.

Anyway, my owner is the absolute best. You should be jealous.
Matt "My Matt☆ NFS" Calm - 7 years, 5 months, 6 days ago

Ah shit. I was still in my 20s the last time I posted a tale on this site. I'm surprised this place still exists and even more surprised that people still actively use it.

Thanks to my most gorgeous owner, I may be poking around on here for a little while. Doesn't look like much has changed, though.

Anyway, I updated my photos and I'm posting this new tale and I was also ordered to add some new swag to my pet store. I'll get right on that.
Matt "My Matt☆ NFS" Calm - 7 years, 5 months, 7 days ago

I stole it and yeah, it's old as hell, but still kinda funny.


HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana


Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
Matt "My Matt☆ NFS" Calm - 16 years, 10 months, 19 days ago

Hey so I have this store thing down at the bottom of the page...Yall need to go buy some shit from me! Go on now!
Matt "My Matt☆ NFS" Calm - 16 years, 10 months, 19 days ago