Subject: Why men don't write advice columns...




Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with
the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is
22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he
broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the
past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever
since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He
won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

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Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor
float chamber.

I hope this helps!

Jay "Jacks" ready for some fun - 15 years, 8 months, 10 days ago

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ..'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
Jay "Jacks" ready for some fun - 15 years, 8 months, 11 days ago

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off your face.”
Jay "Jacks" ready for some fun - 15 years, 8 months, 11 days ago

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: “Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. However, yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins? '”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I'm not a Catholic, Father ......... I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Then why are you telling me all this, my son?”

Man: “Father, I'm 92 years old ...............I'm telling everybody.”

Jay "Jacks" ready for some fun - 15 years, 8 months, 11 days ago

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7).



Jay "Jacks" ready for some fun - 15 years, 9 months, 3 days ago