About time for a new tale so here goes. These made me giggle
Chuck Norris facts
# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. # Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Unknown"Sexy Scientist"Wild
- 11 years, 9 months, 27 days ago
Return of the quiz!
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?: Christopher H*w*rd Jupp
2. NICKNAMES?: A few none that can be written here as the embarressment will be UNBEARABLE!
3. SINGLE OR TAKEN?: HAppily taken
4. BIRTHDAY?: 04/12/7.....Hang on! I cant type that. Sod off all you indentity fraudsters!
5. ZODIAC SIGN?: Saggihairyarse
6. AGE?: Old enough to be cigs and drink. But too young to remember One man and his dog
7. HAIR?: My rapidly diminishing thatch is brown coloured and in need of a mow
8. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?: Greater Manchester but I was born in south wales
9. WHAT COLOUR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: Who said I was wearing any ;)
10. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?: Answering this. The best source of info for any would be indentity thief or nosey bastard
11. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID?: Type the answer to the question before this.
12. WHAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU: Space and the infinite cosmos aka the sofa
13. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE OUT WITH?: My Girlfriend
14. IF U WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?:
15. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: To see the northern lights(not blackpool)
16. WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?:My lovely girlfriend
17. HOWS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?: out of all the question you could have asked you asked that one!
18. LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?: My bro aka the honey monster and wow! it wasnt about computers for once
19. LAST PERSON WHO TEXT YOU: Girlfriend
20. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT: Dan
21. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?: Not sure I think he might be a git
22. WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS?: Its a swiss chocolate bar or dyslexic brass instrument used for clearing landmines. Which one do you believe?
23. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?: No. Should I have gone to spec savers?
24. WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU?: Dont come back from uni gay
25. DO U OWN A VEHICLE?: Yes its a Micra so please use the term vehicle loosely
26. HAVE YOU EVER WON A SPECIAL AWARD?: I won a buck Rogers doll when I was at primary school and that was first prize
- 11 years, 11 months, 23 days ago
today at work....
"so let me get this straight in my head. You want me to dress up in a papersuit and push, what looks to be a giant ear plug up an down the road?"
I get all the exciting jobs
Next week I have to annoy bears by putting my head in their mouths whilst punching them in the face I for one cant wait
- 12 years, 12 days ago
Who the hell stole my lab coat?!?! Unknown"Sexy Scientist"Wild
- 12 years, 14 days ago
B & Q JOB APPLICATION This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I? DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
- 12 years, 20 days ago