This is a new tale, a tale not yet included in the tale of my life.

I need to write it somewhere, and this seemed like the best place, as most people I know don't go on here... I'd prefer this to be more anonymous than that.

I rarely tell people this, as the fact of the matter is, I dont want to sound like i'm still a little girl, who doesn't uderstand that death meant that the person who had died wasn't coming back... I don't want to sound needy, and I don't really know if I want others to know.

When I was 8, my uncle comitted suicide. Seeing it there in black and white still hurts, and I'll probably find myself crying partway through writing this. But it has to be told, bcause people need to see that suicide hurts. It hurts people you know, and it hurts your soul as well. It leaves unmentable holes there, things that can't be fixed. People you left behind will hurt too, they won't understand why you left, andif they don't even understand death, they will wonder where yo've gone, and why you wont come back. Then hurt will settle, and perhaps anger, too. Suicide is too horrible to even consider, please understand that.

My Uncle comitted suicide when I was 8. It's been 7 years since, and that hurt hasn't subsided at all. I still cry when I remember him swinging me around in the air, and telling me I was his angel girl, his savior. I was only little, and had not yet experienced death. I didn't know what it was, or where my uncle had gone, or why he wasn't coming back. I remember crying all the time, wondering why I, his angel girl, couldn't save him this time. It hurt so badly to know that it wasn;t an accident, it was on purpose that he had left us all to hurt. My grandma now has 6 kids instead of 7, the lucky number, and there are only 6 kids with the innitians D.E.N. instead of 7. I wonder if he, up there in heaven, hurts too. Or maybe he's not up there, but somewhere else, in a new body, now younger than me. I don't know where his soul went, or if it had a scared, sad little hole burning in it like mine does, but I hope it doesn't. I hope it's as clean and new as the day it first descended on this earth, untouched by hate and hurt and anger, and all those other emotions.

I really do miss him, I used to tell him all my little girl secrets, and sing to him like only an angel girl could. I would kiss his booboo's, and he would kiss mine. I guess when he died, he became my angel... I hope he takes good care of me. So far, I've been well off in life, never even considering suicide, because I know the hurt it causes first hand. I still remember the day my dad founf out what his brother had done, it was the only time I ever saw my daddy cry. It scared me so much... It hurt. I wish I could rewind the tape, and go back to the day before he died. If I could, I would tell him how much I loved him, and that I would always be his angel girl, no matter what happened. I would hug and kiss him, and laugh with him, and enjoy what time we had together. If I could, I might have gone in his place, to save his wife and kids the grief as well. But I know i'd never have the guts, though I wish I did, so I could be with him again.... I miss him.

Please, dont ever consider killing yourself. Everybody hurts from this. I remember grandma crying, and how scared it made me. And mom, mom never cried... The was the stronghold, the one who kept everyone stable. But she did, and that hurt so much. Please, don't ever consider giving anyone this hurt.

Thank you.
Unknown "luvable" Gloomy - 16 years, 9 months, 13 days ago

I was going through old files on my computer, and I found this Poem, I wrote it sometime in grade 8.

Sometimes I wish I'd never been born. I know I'm beautiful
in my own way, but it doesn't help. Those jerks, with their
thoughtless tongues, shouting criticism and lies. But I'm used
to It, I grew up with It. It haunted me in my sleep. Since
first grade, I've been kept awake, always crying for a
friend. No one knew how I felt all those years, hiding in my
attic room. But I'm a little better, a little stronger, now
that I have friends, To lean on. I have Erin, and
Nick, Charnelle And Leyenda, Don't forget Amy, the
other Nick too. There's so many others, I'm glad for them too.
We beat down those bullies, Laugh behind evil backs,
Shrug off the tears, I'm me, and that'll be true, Years from
now, that I cant change, But I can change how I feel, to the
Teasing, Taunting, Yells and Jeers, I'm glad for friends,
The ones I can hold dear. The tears may still come, But I'll
wipe them away. As long as I have friends, they'll save me
the day. But still, please be kind, I'm sensitive at heart,
All that you say, Is carved in, like hateful, murderful art.
Unknown "luvable" Gloomy - 16 years, 11 months, 1 day ago

~*READ FROM BOTTOM TO TOP*~
Unknown "luvable" Gloomy - 16 years, 11 months, 2 days ago

Grade 10, my best year yet. I started yearing better, cuter clothes, I got a new hair cut, and I lost some weight. I also practiced acting more normally, and succeded... Somewhat. I was more confident, and had lost almost every singlye one of those terrible spots. Sure, some of my friends moved away, but I made lots of new ones, and some of my old ones from elementary school game into high school. I was getting better at making friends, and carefully letting go of others so they didn't hold a grudge. I was nice to people who, the year before, I had despised. I had brothers for the first time as well, two exchange students from germany and mexico. It was definitely a different experience, and still is. I was getting more attention, more friends, better grades. I was happy. Then I took a dip. I liked two guys, both crushes failed miserably. One turned out to be a real jerk, the other a player. I felt terrible, I was cranky, I wasn't myself. And then one of my exchange brothers went back to mexico for christmas, and the other just seemed to always find some way to piss me off. And then that old friend who left around March came back for christmas break. I felt better, happy, and skipped my first class ever. It wasn't a full class, so it wasn't so bad - Only 50 minutes long. But I also skipped the Grinch, which we watch every year... Which meant we - Being the friend from march - lets call him BC, Erin, and the friend who was a year younger, lets call her BH, were out of school by 12:30.

Skipping school... Wow. It was definitely fun. We went down to the park behind the school and wandered down to the creek, hanging out around there, until BH threatened to fall in. Then we wandered further away from the school, laughing, messing around, hugging, excited that BC was back for the christmas Hol's. There was lotsa glomps, hugs, and jokes. I felt happier than I had in weeka. =3 We wandered down to the corner store closest to the school, walking down the side of the road hip to hip. At one point, a car drove by and honked at us, there was definite giggling after that. We got to the store, and me and BH got hot chocolates, thile BC and Erin got cappu's. He got toffy flavour, it was yummy =3 We hung around the front of the store, drinking our warm drinks and talking. We walked along the front of the beach, more laughter, a little litter, and hot chocolate and coffie in the lake. We walked to a pond we knew was very frozen, and walked across it. I kept slipping, as I am the known clumsiest person on earth. But it was still fun. We kept walking across it until we found a bunch of reeds, which I quickly broke off and handed out. In the field of reeds, the ice was even slipperier, and I ended up getting stuff several times, and hurting my ankle. Oww. I sat in the reeds for a while, waiting for them to notice my sudden dissapearance, nursing my sore ankle and pouting. A couple of minutes later they seemed to realise I wasn't there, and look for me. They found me, and we hung around for a hew minutes, as I leaned on both Erin and BC, varying. Looking at the time, we realised we would miss my buss if we didn't hurry, so started to head back. I twits my ankle alot, so it heals pretty fast, so I was walking again pretty quickly. We cut across a yard, which was exhillerating, and scary, and then we were lost, on some side road we'd never seen before. it took us a little while to find the road again, and I kept lagging behind, as I couldn't really run. But we made it to school, we took pictures on Erin's phone, and we were right on time. I climbed carefully up the stairs, grabbed my bag, and was early for the bus. Said goodbye to BC, and promised to make plans before new years. It's been a couple days, and we've planned to meet boxing day with Erin, but BH will me on vacation, so she can't come. This time, i'm bringing my camera. Until next time! ~Sam
Unknown "luvable" Gloomy - 16 years, 11 months, 2 days ago

On to the next chapter, things fog out again, but it's still clearer than my first few years. Grade 8, high school, and those shitty hormones that seem to get at us all eventually. I had developed a crazy spot outbreak, and I've mostly blocked out that year. A few things stand out, though. My next significant crush, on a coworkers brother. His hair was crazy, but I liked it. He was real nice, and I liked the stuff he listened to. I acted like an ideot around him, as I hadn't developed any sence of normality. This was, of course, after I hurled a chair at my grade 7 crush, snd he shoved a table at me. I even went so far as to intive him to a school dance, to which I got no responce. The rest is a blur of bad grades, terrible hair, and spots.

Grade 9. Me and my crush from grade 7 had made a sort of truce, and were friends again... Sort of. We got each other christmas presents(Bath stuff and a stuffie, he obviously had asked his sisters)(I got him chocolates, on advice from mom.), and were sort of nice. I made friends with a girl who was one year younger than me, she was like a little sister to me. She was so sweet, so it's no surprice that my old crush and her started going out. Later on, she mistakenly broke up with him, as she wasn't sure about what she wanted, and they didn't talk much anymore. She still regrets it, and hasn't found anyone else she likes better. She wont move on. It's really horrible...
Later of, around march or so, one of my friends who was older moved away to some town far away, and we didn`t talk anymore. At the end of the year, someone else moved, and within the last month, me and my old crush had another fight and didn't talk anymore. I blocked out some of this year as well.
Unknown "luvable" Gloomy - 16 years, 11 months, 2 days ago