Currently: surrounded in melodic reminders of my personal history from your point of view, I'm engulfed in melancholic dysphoria. It's good though.. to hear it from a perspective that wasn't, isn't, and will never be like my own, and untainted by the desire to achieve my approval or attention for the very first time. To know your feelings exist as my own, and think for the first time, maybe I'm not God. I regret so much, will for the rest of my life; and no matter how I change as a person, I can never change my past. This tiny fact always gnawing on the dangling raw nerve of control I shove in everyone's face so thoughtfully =)

And my amaranthine need to be IT at all times screams inside of me for the very last time.

I could have been so much, could still become so much, if only my sick obsession in always having to know the truth about myself could be starved away like the rest of me. I used to be so manipulative, and why? For what was the purpose of all the control I had to have over you.. over every person I made eye contact with. I was so blind then to who I was, who people were, and even that the world was alive, and life was real and worth anything at all. I can't say I never saw reality, I knew very well it existed but I ignored it with every ounce of vigor in me. Pushed everything real away. My life was like a badly scripted drama that I, and only I had became so engrossed in that I couldn't breathe if it were any other way. If I let any bit of reality into my imaginary World of Excitement I'd have anxiety attacks which lead me to the cool porcelain floor of my bath tub, night after night. But I was so special in my head, and no one could hurt me there, and no one from the real world could even reach me there--there, where I was so alive.

*Sigh* Another explanation that doesn't even matter in the slightest. Another meaningless and purposefully vague post that no one will quite understand on my account. I guess, I just wanted to say I'm sincerely sorry for myself, and embarrassed to death of who I have been. It affects me now like you could never know, and I hope for Christ's sake you crack a smile because of that, you fucking deserve it.
Unknown "Itty Bitty Bean" Frisky - 15 years, 12 months, 4 days ago

We were in Mexico, in a big top circus tent, a book store on the second level that had rows and rows of bookshelves about to collapse; and I was looking for a teddy bear to keep me better company than those who were around me.
We bought our gear, left the baby and headed down stairs. Kids were being shot up into the air like bullets in magical chairs, some landing in the ocean with a splash of sparkling silver jumping up around them and devouring them whole, and some landing in the sand with gold dust battering their confined bodies. I said I would not ride anything with the risk of death, for a fear of landing on my head in the sand, or drowning in the raucous waves that I surely knew would swallow me alive--I sternly declined. I stuck to the deranging maze of land games and rides behind me. I grabbed onto giant monkey hands and swung myself at full force toward the end of the tunnel and the last thing I hear is my brother's voice--as he's running after me--saying "Wow, no one's ever swung themselves THAT far!".

After that, everything changed.

I'm with someone I haven't seen or thought about in years and we're running in the grass. Things get sketchy here and I know we start running from someone, though I'm not sure who anymore. The person makes me sick, both the person I'm with as well as who I'm running from. A dirt road that over looks a beautiful sparkling city below and I feel effervescent for the first time in my life as I knew it then. I slow down and want to stop to gaze out, to think to myself and write a poem about the beauty of wonderland, but I am jerked by the arm and urged to continue running. We hop a fence into his backyard; and through the giant glass window I've looked through many times in the past now lies a white siberian tiger. "My mother got promoted", but I could barely hear the words as they hit and dissipated into the open sky around me, for my jaw was dropped and eyes were locked on the beast. I was no longer running from anyone or anything and was here alone peering into the eyes of the most pulchritudinous beast in the entire universe when the glass disappears and I finally wake up.




I wake up with a dry mouth after every dream still remnant in my mind, and I always, always feel paralyzingly ill.
The 4 dreams before this were worse and couldn't bring myself to write about--hell, I couldn't even talk to anyone about them.
It's been a little over an hour since I woke up and I'm still.. confused, and on edge; but at least it feels better writing about it rather than just dwelling on that invisible dream emotion you get after a nightmare. I think it's good to face the dream in details and don't get too focused on the feeling, that way you can realize the way you feel isn't justified by what you did or saw in your alternate reality.
Unknown "Itty Bitty Bean" Frisky - 16 years, 4 days ago

21, The Club Scene.

I: short, brunette, pale, and gangly with round cheeks; drowning in a sea of lengthy bronzed blond sirens that dance around me, drawing nothing from their vapid eyes as I drift deeper into myself and spin haphazardly into the flashing lights above me.
The same song being sung from their lips that was by my childhood bedroom mirror, but more alluring and more toxic than ever.
Without the warm arms of mother around my body everything above me expands; the ceiling and lights are so far away and the world so big overhead. Outside the stars and moon pull back even further from me, and I thank God for my tight knit spot between bass and treble and the little air between my heels and the hardwood floor of reality: just enough space to feel whole, bigger than I’ll ever truly be.
The elixir of gregarious gods transformed into hot red and gold liquids filling a glass no taller than my index finger make me an extroverted angel at her will, some see it as compressed minerals from the fountain of youth, but I am already too much younger than any of you to ever feel that way, but the opposites of your insecurities are my own and so, we do the same and are similar.
And I grab and grab grab at hands while stumbling my way breathlessly to My Place before it drops and my heart and stomach surly will with it; so I fucking run dragging you or them or anyone along, because this is so beautiful and I am convinced at the time that you feel it too. And no one ever sees me smile so much, and it’s because all I hear is IT and no voices--not yours or my own--become too involved, and I am small, but I see that you are too; I see individuals that respond as the same breathing pulsing substance we are and it’s god damn beautiful and I’m god damn happy because of it.
Unknown "Itty Bitty Bean" Frisky - 16 years, 23 days ago

Okay, lets see.. About last night:

Holy crap, holy crap, HOLY CRAP!!!!! What can I even say about it?! Fucking AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGG! Tim is awesome for getting us into the club and paying for all our drinks. Jan is hella awesome for playing an amazing set and for constantly smiling at me all night! Everyone else who went was awesome, because everyone IS awesome, and every thing is awesome!
So, we went to On Broadway. The guest list was closed because I took my sweet ass time getting ready and we had to pick up another person on the way down. It looked grim for us at first; it was windy and freezing and no one was letting us in. I was pretty sure we'd have to wait like 45 minutes out in the wind and the cold and then end up having to pay for entry and everything else. Martine talked to the bouncer and he told us to call Tim and have him text him or call him so he knew whether or not he could let us in, and sure enough! =)
We got in and Martine showed me around the whole club (since I'm 21 I'm so excited about being able to go out and do all this that I need a club tour before hand to really get me going! lol) and it was BEAUTIFUL; so gorgeous with it's classic hotel architecture, tall roofs, and amazing lights and decorations. It's definitely not a rave venue, for sure.
After the tour we met up with Tim and his crew and it was really cool meeting all them, they're really cool guys. We headed to the bar and did some shots, which they paid for(!), and just chilled and talked to them for awhile. We split up with them and hung out with Sisco and Simo and that crew for awhile. We danced and danced and it was so so so amazing and so much fun! 4 Strings spun such a great set with a couple anthems, a few songs of the here-and-now, and some really old great tracks, siiiigh, soo beautiful.
So we spent the night between the bar and the dance floor having the time of our lives. The club closed at 2am, I believe, and we went with Jan and Tim and everyone to after party. On the way over in the car Jan played us some unreleased 4 Strings that no one else had heard before and it was hella cool of him! We got to the hotel and Tim talked to the people at the front desk for awhile and we just sat there chillin' and talking, and I was suuuuper drunk and it was suuuper fun, haha. Then Tim gets us the elevator and this guy takes us up to a floor, and the doors open, and BAM.. there's a club! Not just any club though, a crazy and secret VIP club that only a hand full of people know about in San Diego with even less people who have actually been there. We were soooo shocked and excited! So Jan started spinning again and it was awesome until I accidentally pulled the booth holding the DJ tables that Jan was spinning on (seriously though, who the hell puts wheels on one of those things, and how was I to know!) and I got yelled at for a second and Martine got yelled at to keep a better eye on me (sorry!) haha. It was super embarrassing, let me tell you, and I think Jan and everyone forgave me though, so it's okay.
We decided to go home after that and the car ride with Tine was awesome 'cause we talked about a certain person she likes who starts with an M and how things are finally going to work out and *sigh* I'm sooo happy for her!
Seriously, it was the best night ever and I'm still partially in shock that it all happened, and to me! How super lucky am I? Sheesh.
Unknown "Itty Bitty Bean" Frisky - 16 years, 1 month, 22 days ago

8:00pm and nothing else matters. I sink slowly into the warm and wet anti-gravity abyss; small bubbles that became trapped beneath my weighty body as I emerged into the weightless world scatter frantically toward the hard hitting surface of Neverland, the outer edges of reality where apples fall from trees and make a *thump* sound upon meeting the dense ground below. My breasts raise with pink and perky nipples and they are as detached from me as I am at this point detached from a train wreck, car crash, murder, or war. The tips of my toes float along the surface joining them in their tireless poise, their constant effort to keep me in touch with the world which I was born into and have always been so desperate to leave. They remind me with each placid touch of the cool oxygenated February air that blows in from the window above that I am still a part of all this even when I am in whole completely somewhere else. My fingers tap the ceramic in a rhythmic pattern I could never repeat. And as my ears sink beneath the surface I become the submissive virgin in the deep and entrancing sensory copulation of--for all I knew what could have been--outer space. The sound seemed to press into me from all sides where skin touched matter, pulsating, pulsating, pulsating, and entering me as quickly and unnoticeable as the osmosis of water through a semi-permeable membrane. No, it is more than biology could ever touch, more than atoms and cells, chemicals and reactions, more than human and nature; soul. I raised my chest and pulled in what was outside in an effort to fill my lungs with as much air as I could take in--the milky-sweet moist air that rose up in angelic clouds of faint white off the surface of the water as I became reacquainted once again to the twisted and harsh reality of earth; like going back to an abusive lover because you know you don't deserve more and at least it will always be there and it will never change.
Unknown "Itty Bitty Bean" Frisky - 16 years, 2 months, 15 days ago