The Irish



Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn tells Murphy he's a lucky man . . . his own wife makes him walk.
------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury pronounced him "Not guilty." "That's grand!" exalted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
---------------------- ---------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' up at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
pamela rivet " =)" Adventurous - 16 years, 9 months, 10 days ago

This one is priceless... Wrong email address. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack...

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

pamela rivet " =)" Adventurous - 16 years, 9 months, 10 days ago

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale
begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
pamela rivet " =)" Adventurous - 16 years, 9 months, 10 days ago