Once upon a time there was a beautiful Pony Princess Gangster named Patty Pony. She was super cool and everyone wanted her babies. One day, Patty Pony decided she really wanted a cinnamon crunch bagel with cream cheese, but as that seemed too complicated for a Princess Gangster to find, she settled for a cookie. However, Patty Pony couldn't just go into the pantry like every other sane-minded Pony Princess Gangster to get her cookie. She, instead, would travel across the deserts of Itsreallyhothere, scale the terrifying heights of Mt. Icanseemyhousefromhere, and brave the forest of Omgidontstalkmeg. But there was one small problem in the brilliant and cunning Patty Pony's plan. Patty Pony was lazy.
In order to overcome this hurdle in the race to sweet sugary deliciousness, Patty Pony decided to mooch off her friends that weren't quite as pretty as her, but still pretty cool. Patty Pony thus frolicked out of her delightful chambers of metaphorical crack and down into the chambers of her friends in order to enlist their assistance. All together there was James Pony, Courtnie Pony, Meg Pony, Patrick Pony, Sean Pony, and Chase Pony, each conveniently also wanting cookies, except for Meg Pony who wanted a fruit cup. But James Pony, Patrick Pony, and Chase Pony said they might have to leave early so they don't miss Robotics.
...Because ponies can totally make robots....
So the team set off to search vehemently for the delightfully delicious sugary treats (and fruit cup). First, they came upon the terrible desert of Itsreallyhothere. The desert was known as one of the most uncomfortable in the land because it was really hot, which made people sweat. Patty Pony was quite undelighted by this fact and beat any small furry animals that happened to fall into her path (including but not limited to Sean Pony) because of said undelightedness. The entire group was therefore rather unecstatic, except for the guy ponies because they could just take off their shirts if they got too hot. This made the girl ponies rather jealous, except for Meg Pony, who was too busy gouging out her eyes from seeing James Pony, Patrick Pony, Sean Pony, and Chase Pony, without shirts on. So that just left Courtnie Pony and Patty Pony jealous, but they took comfort in the fact that the guy ponies would probably get sunburned.
Suddenly a loud, creepy noise interrupted the group's journey. Instead of continuing on and just ignoring the kind of creepy noise, the group decided it would be really smart to find the source of the noise, just like every clever main character in video games that end up being recruited to save the world from a bunch of crap. Turning off their path to the cookie mines in the forest of Omgidontstalkmeg, they ventured to the source of the sound. There they found a magical liopleurodon.
This was slightly suspicious because liopleurodons are both extinct and marine animals. Patrick Pony thus decided it would be best to blow up the liopleurodon, so as not to compromise any biology textbooks. James Pony pulled out his handy dandy bazooka from one of his forty-some pockets in his jacket and some C4. This made the liopleurodon kind of sad, but it couldn't really do much, what with it only having flippers and being on dry land.
So it blew up.
But the liopleurodon, apparently being a magical liopleurodon, blew up into a bunch of sparklies zipping through the air.
"HOLY CRAP IT'S A ROD MATING GROUND!!" came a shout from a pony known to the other ponies as Aaron Pony who magically appeared in the desert. Soon joining him was another pony by the name of Stephen Pony, who was equally ecstatic about the sparklies. They then proceeded to run around in circles until they were suddenly shot by tranquilizer darts filled with cyanide. Two other ponies named Mary Pony and Champagne Pony then dragged the bodies away.
Patty Pony nor the rest of her pony buddies guarantee this result should you blow up an innocent animal.
Getting over the fact they had just witnessed a double murder, the pony buddies investigated the magical remnants of the liopleurodon. They discovered that the sparklies would grant wishes. Chase Pony wished to be a real ninja, but nothing happened, because we all know he already is a ninja. Courtnie Pony wished to be taller, but that didn't happen either because it would create a rip in the space time continuum if Courtnie and midget weren't synonyms. Meg Pony wished that she hadn't gouged her eyes out, and her eyes came back, but realizing that the guy ponies had yet to put their shirts back on, she gouged them out again. Patty Pony, being her ingenious self, wished that they were at the cookie mines already, because Patty Pony doesn't feel like writing about scaling Mt. Icanseemyhousefromhere. This seemed like a much smarter plan than just wishing for the cookies themselves, because we all know that's cheating.
At the cookie mines there were cookies as far as the eye could see (and a fruit cup). This made Patty Pony go into a coma for a moment, but she came out because she would rather go into the coma after she ate the cookies.
Not sure if the coast was clear, they sent Sean Pony in first. He glanced around, and was about to signal the coast was clear, but was suddenly hit by a Wacky Doo Duck. All the ponies "Le Gasp"-ed excepted for Meg Pony, who couldn't see what was happening.
The Hallmark Wannabe Pony stepped from the shadows. "There is only one way to determine the rightful heir to this cookie fortune (and fruit cup)." boomed the voice of the Hallmark Wannabe Pony. "And that is a Dance Off!"
"Bring it on minimum wage scum! I watched America's Best Dance Crew!" shouted Patty Pony. She then turned to her pony crew and realized they were screwed, because the only one that could probably dance in their entire group was Meg Pony, and she was blind. Changing her mind about the dance off, she pulled out a semi-automatic sawed-off shotgun from James's jacket, and shot Hallmark Wannabe Pony in the face.
Then they all went to James Pony's house and ate Ledo's Pizza. The End.
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Unknown "Usagi-chan" Rabid
- 16 years, 9 months, 11 days ago
