Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
> the last one is great!
> Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
> immediately take the words back...
> or that you could crawl into a hole?
> Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
>
>< BR>>
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in
>tow
> and asked loudly,
> "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
> I turned around and walked back out and never went back
> My husband didn't say a word...
> he knew better.
>
>< BR>>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
>balls.
> I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
> After browsing for several minutes,
> I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
>works at the store.
> He asked if he could help me.
> Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
>playing with men's balls"
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
> My sister and I were at the mall and
> passed by a store that sold a
> variety of candy and nuts.
> As we were looking at the display case,
> the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
> I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
> My sister started to laugh hysterically.
> The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To
>this day,
> my sister has never let me forget.
>
>< BR>> FOURTH TESTIMONY:
> While in line at the bank one afternoon,
> my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and ran amok.
> I was finally able to grab hold of
> her after receiving looks of disgust
> and annoyance from other patrons.
> I told her that if she did not start behaving
> "right now" she would be punished.
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
>just ! as threatening,
> "If you don't let me go right now,
> I will tell Grandma that I saw you
> kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
> Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
> I mustered up the last of my dignity and
> walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
> The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
>screams of laughter.
>
> ;
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
> Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?
> My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
>training and I was on him constantly.
> One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between
>errands
> It was very busy, with a full dining room.
> While enjoying my taco,
> I smelled something funny,
> so of course I checked
> my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
> The realized that Danny
> had not asked to go potty in a while.
> I asked him if he needed to go,
> and he said "No".
> ; I kept thinking
> "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
>clothes with me."
> Then I said,
> "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
> "No," he replied.
> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
>smell was getting worse.
> Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an
>accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
> bent over, spread his cheeks
> and yelled
> "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
> While 30 people n early choked to death on their tacos
>laughing,
> ; he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
> An old couple made me feel better,
> thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
> and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
> in the future, likely think before she speaks.
> What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
> We had a female news anchor that,
> the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
> turned to t he weatherman and asked:
> "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
> Not only did HE have to leave the set,
> but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>
>
>
>Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>
> ;Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
>Offi cer: Can I see your license please?
>
>O lder Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>
>Offi cer: Don't have one?
>
>Olde r Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
>
>O lder Woman: I can't do that.
>
>Off icer: Why not?
>
>Olde r Woman: I stole this car.
>
>Offi cer: Stole it?
>
>Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>
>Of ficer: You what?
>
>Old er Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
>want to see
>
>
& gt;The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
>senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
>Offi cer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
>steps out of her vehicle.
>
>
>Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
>Offi cer 2: One of
>my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the
owner.
>
>Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
>Of ficer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>
>T he woman opens the
>trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
>Of ficer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>
>O lder Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
>quite stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>license.
>
>The woman
>digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the
>officer.
>
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up

>the owner.
>
>Ol der Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
>
>
>
>Don't Mess
>With Women

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two blokes were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Bazza said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

---------------- ------------------------ ------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

---------------- ------------------------ -----------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a dollar or two myself."

---------------- ------------------------ -----------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

---------------- ------------------------ -------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

---------------- ------------------------ ------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

---------------- ------------------------ ------------------

A blonde calls Virgin Air and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Sydney to Adelaiade ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

---------------- ------------------------ ------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

---------------- ------------------------ ------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS&quo t;

---------------- ------------------------ --------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care

Life's Rules

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?< BR>
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18 . No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a
Knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmm...)
=========== =======================< BR>Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them
Neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
================= =================
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put
Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
Refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
============= =====================
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for
A few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The
Wax will fall out.
================ ==================
Cr ayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped
In baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
=============== ===================
P ermanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt
BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
============== ====================
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of
Scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of ! Having to throw
Away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would
Be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely!
In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
================ ==================
Bl ood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen
Peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
Every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
================= =================
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal
For inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks.
Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows
On a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
============= =====================
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely
Light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
================= =================
Pla ce fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will
Smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels
AND linen.
============== ====================
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3
Hours prior to burning.
============ ======================To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the
Flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
And leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
============== ====================
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet,! Simply add a drop or
Two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
A boil on stove top.
================ ==================
Sp ray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring
In tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
============= =====================
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
Keep for weeks.
============== ====================
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the
Corn's' natural sweetness
=========== =======================< BR>Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your
Forehead. The throbbing will go away.
=============== ===================
T o get rid of itch from mosquito bites , try applying soap on the area
And you will experience instant relief.
============= =====================
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk
Line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants
Tend to march See for yourself.
=========== =======================
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still,
Leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
============== ====================
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to
Tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
Then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
============= =====================
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........ Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.
The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China
==================== ==============
Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water
And drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
============ ======================Polish jewelry.
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the
jewelry for two minutes.
============ ======================Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak
for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
========= ======================== =
Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the
drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes,
and then run the hot water

New York City Report Cards
>
> These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
> in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
> reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
>
> 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
> started to dig.
>
> 2. I would not allow this student to breed.
>
> 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
>
> 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
> 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
> to achieve them.
>
> 6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to
> hold it all together.
>
> 7. This child has been working with glue too much.
>
> 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
>
> 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
> coming.
>
> 10. If thi s student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
> twice a week.
>
> 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
> out 1,000,000 others.
>
> 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
>
>
> ======================== =========
>
> These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos
> around the country:
>
> >16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
> >went through."
> >
> >15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
> >stretch after you wear them a while."
> >
> >14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
> >certificate a worthless document."
> ; >
> >13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
> >
> >12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
> >speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
> >
> >11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
> >write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
> >
> >10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
> >it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
& gt; >
> >9 "Warning! You want a warn ing? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
> >again or I'll give you another ticket."
> >
> >8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
> >drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
> >
> >7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
> >to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
> >poop."
> ; >
> >6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
> >oven."
> ; >
> >5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
> >
> >4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
> >
> >3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
> >allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
> >
> >2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
> >of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
> >
> >
> >
> >AND THE WINNER IS....
> >1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
> >don't. Sign here