Photo Tip 4 - Combating Red Eyes

You may have noticed that in many photographs the eyes of certain people appear red. Experts in the photography industry call this mysterious phenomenon red eye.

Red eye is the result of demonic possession and can only be corrected by means of an exorcism. A Deluxe Exorcism™ should only be performed legally by one of God's disciples - although it is possible to obtained a pirated version on the black market. However we strongly condone all acts of piracy and stress the dangers of attempting to banish daemons with illegal, and often incomplete, incantations and prayers.

Alternatively, if you cannot afford the expense of a prophet, you may consider acquiring a self-exorcism kit - available from most photography stores at a reasonable price. This will entitle you to perform a maximum of 3 exorcisms, and comes with pre-blessed water tablets and a sterling silver crucifix. For those stubborn evil spirits, license upgrades are available.

An extract taken from the Self-Exorcism Kit, version 6.12:

I adjure thee, thou old serpent, by the Judge of the quick and the dead, by thy Maker, and the Maker of the world : by Him, Who hath power to put thee into hell, that thou depart in haste from the servant of God, who returns to the bosom of the Church and to that of Mistress Jasmine, with thy fear and the torment of thy terror. I adjure Thee again. So bugger thee off, and don't cometh back. Amen.

Unknown "English Muffin" Cheeky - 16 years, 11 months ago

Photo Tip 3 - Fingers and Thumbs

The finger is a remarkable biological creation of human evolution, a combination of nature's struggle to produce the ultimate pointing device yet at the same time, an effective weapon against eyeballs. It is the end result of millions of years of minute genomic alterations that finally concluded with the birth of John Harrison. On July 18th of last year, he finally set a new world record in the Olympic Sport of Distant Object Pointing.

Yet despite all of this, to many a photographer, the finger is often what come s between a perfect photograph and complete humiliation. Recent figures published by the North American Photography and Nude Painting Society revealed that 72.6 million photographs were destroyed last year as a result of Unexplained Digit Intrusion (UDI) in the United States alone.

Baffled scientists have for years attempted to discover the exact cause of UDI, but little progress has been made. A detailed study sponsored by the North American Photography and Nude Painting Society resulted in several recommendations that photographers can follow to reduce the risk of contracting UDI. These are:

1. If at all possible use a camera with a 10 second timer and swiftly retreat to a safe distance and remain there until the photograph is taken.
2. Under go corrective surgery to reduce the length of your fingers. See Dr. Zerwinski for futher details

Hold the camera using only the index finger and thumb of one hand, mimicking the pincer of a crab. The index finger is to be place on top of the camera, with the thumb on the button. Now using one finger of the other hand - and only one finer - (the rest being tooked away out of harms way), apply sufficient downward force to the camera button.

Unknown "English Muffin" Cheeky - 16 years, 11 months ago

Photo Tips 2 - Focus on Focusing

Another common error is an "out of focus" shot. This is normally the result of either:

1. a confused camera.
2. a confused photographer.

The majority of cameras now have an autofocus facility - which basically means that it is the responsibility of the camera to prevent photographic bluration. Now if you happen to possess this class of camera, and are still getting blurry images, then read the next paragraph very carefully:

The error lies in the camera's inability to determine the distance of the subject from the photographer.

This tends to happen most when metric-based cameras (i.e. those manufactured in European countries such as France and Germany) are used in countries where the imperial measurement system is preferred, e.g. UK and USA. Having two standards of determining distance from one loci to another generates enough confusion for the poor camera, that it simply panics, miscalculates and produces a blurred image. The obvious solution here is to purchase a British camera - although an American one will suffice - and avoid traveling to continental Europe on vacation.

If the problem lies with a confused photographer, then the solution is less clear. My recommendation is to administer a swift blow to the head using a blunt instrument and to dispose the body in a safe and responsible manner.
Unknown "English Muffin" Cheeky - 16 years, 11 months ago

Photo Tips 1 - Defeating Low Lux Levels

Night-time is renowned for its large quantities of darkness. This can lead to serious photographic errors whereby the end result shows nothing but a black photo. Now the inexperienced photographer is particularly prone to this type of blunder, and therefore should take some precautions.

One simple solution is to avoid night-time photography altogether. However this is not always possible. For example, there are occasions when the some amateurs photographers are shooting a couple, who just so have to be lying naked on a bed in a somewhat dark bedroom. Asking them to turn on a light, so you can take a better photograph through the window is not an option.

Fortunately, in this modern era of fast cars and loose women, the majority of cameras come equipped with a ingenious device known as a flash. This high tech gadget enables photographs to be taken at low lux level with an increased degree of success. Now the flash mechanism involved is extremely technical and beyond the scope of this article - but for now, just be aware that it essentially lightens up the place for brief moment in time.

So unless it is your intention to produce high quality photographs of darkness, then I seriously recommend purchasing a camera with a flash.
Unknown "English Muffin" Cheeky - 16 years, 11 months ago