14 Things to do at a dept; store while your spouse/shopping

partner/significant other is taking her sweet time:



1. Get 24 boxes of condoms, randomly put them in peoples trolleys

when they aren't looking.



2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute

intervals.



3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the bathrooms.



4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3

in housewares,'...and see what happens.



5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers

you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding

department



7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why

can't you people just leave me alone?



8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while

you pick your nose.



9. While handling knives in the housewares department ask the clerk if

he knows where the anti-depressants are.



10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme

from 'Mission Impossible'.



11. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different

size funnels.



12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say

'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'



13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker assume the fetal

position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'



.....and last but not least,



14. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!
Unknown "sexy girl" Lonely - 16 years, 5 months, 29 days ago

If bikes could talk by me

I’m resting now, though not through choice
I only wait to hear your voice
The door swings wide, and you appear
Helmet, gloves and riding gear
You look at me, your pride and joy
Any mans expensive toy
The tension builds, I feel it too
I look outside, the sky is blue
Please start me up, I just can’t wait
It’s this hanging around I always hate
Get me out of here and on the road
I spend too long in this abode
Too feel the wind, be by the sea
Take me there, I’ll set you free
Yes, yes, that’s right, you now look ready
Start me up, but take it steady
Pull in the clutch, engage first gear
Come on mate, get me out of here
Slow at first, not too fast
I want this experience to last
I’m ready now, open the throttle
Ride me fast if you have the bottle
Here comes that bend, our favourite
Let’s go quicker, just a little bit
Tip me in, I’ll hold your line
Gas me out, we'll be just fine
And now we’ve got a nice long straight
Open me up, go on, do it mate
Jump on my brakes, that bend looks tight
Just keep it smooth and we’ll be alright
Watch out !!, is that a Volvo I see
Keep your distance so it can’t hurt me
It’s time to turn and head on back
But on the way we’ll have a crack
A wheelie here, a stoppie there
Do what you like, I just don’t care
Just make the most of these last miles
I’ll give your face the broadest of smiles
And now we’re home, you wash me down
My smiling face now wears a frown
I’m resting now, though not through choice
I only wait to hear your voice
Unknown "sexy girl" Lonely - 16 years, 5 months, 29 days ago

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Unknown "sexy girl" Lonely - 16 years, 5 months, 29 days ago

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL


1 Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4 Take new pill from foil wrap. cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 Wrap cat in large towel and get a friend to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw. Force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9 Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply dressing to partner's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck, so as to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to Cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another scotch. Throw T-shirt away and fetch another from bedroom.

12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve the flaming cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13 Tie the little b.......s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour two pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14 Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG PILL



1 Wrap it in bacon, and give to dog.
Unknown "sexy girl" Lonely - 16 years, 5 months, 29 days ago

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET: WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
Unknown "sexy girl" Lonely - 16 years, 5 months, 29 days ago