Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS -
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS -
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

Medically speaking, there is no difference. Both result in death.

Unknown Peaceful - 17 years, 6 months, 6 days ago

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink

He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Unknown Peaceful - 17 years, 6 months, 6 days ago

One night, after the couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"


Unknown Peaceful - 17 years, 6 months, 6 days ago

So cold and dark, so empty and alone,
Never knowing what real love was.

So fragile and closed, so hateful and cruel, never to open my heart to anyone, and then there was you.
So scared, so new, not knowing what was to come, I gave you what little I had left. Hoping that you would want me the way that I am. Timid and frightend, wanting to love again, and then there was you.

A little relief from the beating that my heart took, trying to remember what it was like. You showed me that it was real and true, you touch so gentle, you saw right through.
All the pain and distrust disappeared that day, the love that consumed me felt so perfect and so right. Still hesitant to let anyone see who I really was, and then there was you.

Believing in me, trusting me, loving me unconditionally, letting go of all the fear, anger, and regret. Knowing that it is ok just to be who I am.
Crying, laughing, talking, sharing emotions that I tried to hide for so long, All because there was you.
Unknown Peaceful - 17 years, 6 months, 12 days ago