I posted this a few months back on Myspace I though you guys might enjoy it.
If you've ever gone through a day and just thought. If you've ever wondered about anything beyond the point of understanding or purpose. If you've ever wanted love but hated having it. If you've ever thought about the above. You understand what I'm about to write.
You see one cannot remain in the realm of doubt for more than a moment more than a second before you being to doubt your sanity. Not the "your nutz" from friend to friend statements of lack of sanity. NO. I mean the "mental sick, perverted, ill" or "Legally Mental" kind of lack of sanity. And then you begin to think about what you think about. "If I said this out loud would they call me crazy?" I mean really think about everything you think in a day and wonder to yourself, if I said this when I thought it would I be considered insane?
Better yet. If we did not keep these thoughts to ourselves, if we were truly open to everyone about everything would it be better or worse of a world? How about if we admitted thoughts like "I wish I never had to see him/her again." or "This sucks" or "I hate this class." or "why?" Or any question you ever really wanted to ask about anything and you were to scared because you didn't want to be thought of as stupid.
For example: in Physics I'm always scared to answer or speak or ask. But today I answered more questions right than anyone. Even more I asked questions that were so advanced that Mr. Harvey had to explain that most of it wouldn't be taught to me until college. I was not crazy. I was asking things that a scientist/physicist would ask. It wasn't stupid and even though I felt so I realized the only reason I did was because no one else understood what I was discussing.
Example: I thought how a really good way to cheer someone up would be to talk to them, I didn't. They felt worse because I didn't.
Think about it people. How many things do you think or think about doing and then chicken out and it stays trapped in your mind. If only we did everything we thought we would do then life would be so much easier because you'd get rid of the fear you hold, and you only hold it because it's an easy thing to protect the package of thoughts and ideas in your mind when what it needs to do is escape! LIVE!
I am a hypocrite in writing this. But not so much as I used to be. I finally told the two senior guys that aren't talking to me that I love them. I told them. I did what I only thought about doing. It had no affect but I did it. I asked the questions I've been wondering about forever in physics. I'm not hiding in the folds of my mind like I used to and it's nice. I'm alive, awake. Not happy but...not how I used to be. I'm free. Free of the bounds I set myself. Yes I still must out reach the bounds of time and fear, but I'm free of the chains. And ropes that bind me now are easily burned.
LIVE!
You do not understand. You read this and think, she is mad. But now you think it. You'll never speak it to me. You'll never admit to thinking it. Not really. Not in the sense you WANT to mean it. No. You keep it inside packed away safely with fear. So whose the crazy one? Who failed the test in sanity?
Oh yes I am slightly insane but not by speaking no. I'm insane because I still keep it inside.
And as I write this now. My thoughts on paper...as I write it now as the boldest thing to write. I'm scared. No not, "Mommy hold my hand" scared. I'm mean, "nervous, anxious, needy" scared. Scared that I still am living a lie. Scared that I am not truly speaking everything I should not putting it out there not admitting to what I think. I'm scared that everything I write not in this small box of technology that I own will all be wasted and for what!? FOR WHAT! the knowledge that in some way I have spoken my mind. Said everything I need to?
I still have more to say! More to think and shove out! If only every word I thought would be spoken to someone. People start rumors and spread life stories. But they keep themselves inside.
You want my life story. There it is. You want MY STORY!!!???
When you stop thinking and only speak then you'll understand my story is no different then yours. Until then we are simply opposites because now I speak. Now I say instead of think. I write it down. I let it out. Please tell me someday you'll come back to this spot, to right where you are right now reading this. This exact spot and look again and say, NOT THINK! SAY!!!!!!!, I live. I'm alive. I do not regret. I live. I LIVE! I"M ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh but you won't. Because you're like me in one way. We are both in some way human. Look at yourself. You're disgusting. Slimy worthless piece of crap sitting there reading this and all because you won't speak up! That's why you're still reading. You want to know how. How can I speak my mind? How can I let my life fall out of my mouth.
Here. You want my life story? Here it is.
I was picked on as a child. I was picked on until I was a teenager. I'm picked on until I write this and I will continue to be picked on. But never once have I layed down and said no. I'm still alive am I not? You want my story. I was taught to dream. Not dream "nap." NO. Dream and then do. I was taught NOTHING and I mean nothing is impossible. ever. EVER. I was taught that I stand taller than everyone in both pride and height, ability and learned skills. But I am equal to everyone of the people in the world NO MATTER WHAT! Still want my story? I made a promise that no matter what I would love everyone to the best of my ability and always be there when they asked for it....even if they hate me or act as such. I was taught to live love and learn. You want my story? Really? Still? Spend your life being treated like crap, through it all love everyone, no matter what, through it all help everyone, no matter what, and speak only wisdom for if it is not you've wasted your time, their time, and no human, angel, demon, God, nothing in existance is rich enough to waste time.
How do I do it? I could say God and yes faith has part of it. I could say family, that has a part to it. I could say my friends and that has a huge part to it. But in honesty its knowing that no matter how hard I work, how hard I try, how much I fight...in five seconds someone on this earth will still be dead. It might be me. So in five seconds...after you finish reading this...will I still be here? Am I next? I speak and live and love because if in five seconds I'm gone....who is there to live for me...no one I'm the only me and I need to do it well before my five seconds come.
Stop thinking. Speak. Stop fearing. Live. Stop...Just stop for five seconds. Pretend thats the end. Now hit play. Love. Look what you've done. are you happy now? Oh yes this all hurts only because it's the truth. I forgot...never lie. Don't do it. It'll be your down fall. I want you to live and speak and love...because I love you. You don't know me and if you do then wow. But really.... Just know you are loved and then you'll be happy.
Rose
For I have both thorns and beauty, kindness and cruelty if only in honesty.
Unknown "Scarlet Rose" Nervous
- 16 years, 7 months, 23 days ago
