On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.’

The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’

The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.’

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Unknown "Queen Teardrop" Peppy - 16 years, 6 months, 28 days ago

There were a few seconds of total silence as everyone waited to see what would happen next. And then Nijel uttered the battle cry that Rincewind would never quite forget to the end of his life. "Em," he said, "excuse
me..."
-- (Terry Pratchett, Sorcery)

Rincewind had been told that death was just like going into another room. The difference is, when you shout, "Where's my clean socks?" no one answers.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

"You're dead," he said. Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable reply. "I'm not" lacked a certain style, while "Is it serious?" seemed somehow too frivolous.
-- Princess Keli in trouble
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Women’s clothes’ were not a subject that preoccupied Cutwell much. In fact, usually when he thought about women his mental pictures seldom included any clothes at all. But the vision in front of him really did take his breath away.
-- Princess Keli prepares for her coronation
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Something small and distant broke through the cloud layer, trailing shreds of vapour. In the stratospheric calm the sounds of bickering came sharp and clear. "You said you could fly one of these things!" "No I didn't; I just said *you* couldn't!"
-- Rincewind and Twoflower attempt broomstick flying
(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

"Students made it long ago," said Rincewind. "Handy way in and out after lights out." "Ah," said Twoflower, "I *understand*. Over the wall and out to brightly-lit taverns to drink and sing and recite poetry, yes?" "Nearly right except for the singings and the poetry, yes," said Rincewind.
-- (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Unknown "Queen Teardrop" Peppy - 16 years, 10 months ago

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you are psychic - think "HONK"
If you always take time to stop and smell the roses...sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
Lord save me from your followers.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
And on the 8th day, God sobered up.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
I souport publik edekasion
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"
When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.
Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made
Hang up and drive.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Unknown "Queen Teardrop" Peppy - 16 years, 10 months, 6 days ago

Today is a good day to die, but tomorrow might be a better one...

What doesn’t kill you will only make you wish it had.

Anger is merely depression with more enthusiasm.

I'm typing this slowly because I know you can’t read very fast.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Eat well, stay fit then die anyway.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Any idiot can look good in a plastic bag, it takes a supermodel to look good in Gucci.

I can only please one person a day. Today is not YOUR day; tomorrow isn't looking good either.

We like someone because. We love someone although.

The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Reality is an illusion caused due to lack of alcohol.

Unknown "Queen Teardrop" Peppy - 16 years, 10 months, 13 days ago

The joke told by the Joker is a common one:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum…and one night…one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light…stretching away to freedom.

Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren’t make the leap. Y’see he’s afraid of falling… So then the first guy has an idea. He says “Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me.” B-But the second guy just shakes his head. He says …he says “What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."
Unknown "Queen Teardrop" Peppy - 16 years, 11 months ago