A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
Unknown "Drunk" Curious - 16 years, 3 months, 7 days ago

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it

Unknown "Drunk" Curious - 16 years, 3 months, 12 days ago

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, "No" he replies. "I'm just the manager." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Unknown "Drunk" Curious - 16 years, 3 months, 13 days ago

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is ! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks: says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Ms Brooks: asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Johnny:, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy,oval,and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Johnny: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, But Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Johnny: Shake hands.

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Johnny: Tent.

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: Wedding Ring.

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Johnny: Nose.

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Johnny: Arrow.

Ms Brooks: What word starts with 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Johnny: Fire truck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,"Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"


What were u guys thinking?

Unknown "Drunk" Curious - 16 years, 3 months, 13 days ago

Tech Support - Entertaining Calls For Help Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah. Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen….. Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one. Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note. Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry… Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male Customer: Hello… I can’t print. Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and… Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates, damn it! Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it… Customer: I have problems printing in red… Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah……………….. thank you. Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? Customer: I can’t get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.” And last but not least… Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.” Customer: I don’t have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: “P”… on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

Unknown "Drunk" Curious - 16 years, 3 months, 18 days ago