My life has been filled with many ups and downs. My childhood was not the most pleasant. Constant criticism, and demands followed me throughout my adolescence. No matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...I was told that I would never amount to anything. Being told that I was shit was the norm. It became common place. Something that became a sick craving as that is all that I knew...
Relationships have been difficult. I always seemed to be drawn in by men who treated me the way my father did. So, when guys cheated, lied,,,and even hit....I stayed. I felt like somehow I deserved it. I mean if my own father thought these things of me then why wouldn't I deserve it , right?
I hit rock bottom in 2004. I met a guy, who was about as charming as charming could be...said all the right things, did all the right things...at least in the beginning he did. I left the place I was living and moved in with him. Next thing you know, my life was turned upside down. I was not allowed to have my own opinions. I was not allowed to eat what I wanted. I was told that I needed to lose weight, and lots of it, even though I was in the norm for my frame. If I spoke up, or voiced my outrage at what was happening, I was locked in the bathroom. I was dragged upstairs, and beaten...and told that my jaw would be snapped right off by him, if I uttered one more word. One day when he was at work, I was rummaging through our basement and came across a box marked "personal things", and it wasn't mine. I looked through it, and found something that turned my life into a nightmare... I found a box of video tapes... As I popped the tapes into the vcr, a sinking feeling was slowly passing over me. I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I felt like I was going to both pass out, and throw up.. On the tapes was me. He had apparently installed a hidden video camera to tape our private moments without my knowledge. Not only was that bad enough..there were other tapes, with other women...my life was falling apart.... I was humiliated, de-humanized, and disgusted....It took a while for me to get away from him. I was threatened that if I left I would be killed, that he would kill my cats....and he would burn everything I owned....I felt trapped.
I started planning my escape. I contacted the police and told them everything....I told friends and family.....The police brought me in, and I gave them my story. I told them every humiliating moment. What happened next felt like something out of a movie. The police told me to stay away from home for the day. They were going to pick him up at work. Later that day, the police arrested him at his job. When the detective called and told me this, I broke down, and cried the hardest I have ever cried...I was exhausted, I was done, this is what my life had come to.
The months that followed were a true test. He was put on probation, and a restraining order was issued. I started packing and planning my move. Finally I was able to leave and get away. His entire family came after me as if I was the "bad guy", even though by the time I was out of there I was a skeleton of a human being....thin and broken down by the abuse. Barely enough energy to lift my head.
Now, almost 3 years later..I am the strongest I have ever been in my life. I will never, ever, be put into a situation where I feel like a caged animal. A lot of women get involved with abusive men, and never get out. No matter what anyone tells you, you won't get out until you have made the conscious decision to do so. You are the only person who can get you out of it. It takes making that huge leap of faith, and just doing it. I am positive that if I had not gotten out of there when I did, that I would be dead today, guaranteed.
As for the now, and today....well, I am trying to live life and experience new things. I almost didn't have the chance to. So this is my time...
I do random acts of kindness....why? Cause I can. Cause we all can. Smiling at someone as they walk by. Helping someone carry something if they seem to be struggling. Helping someone cross the street if it's slippery and you think they might fall. Why wouldn't we as humans try and help. If we walk on by, and ignore the things around us, then we're no better than any other wild animal. Although even animals help each other out. You've seen it on tv...an injured animal will be surrounded by it's herd or troupe while being attacked by a predator...they do their best to defend it. Why can't we do that??
This year I plan on travelling. I have a few ideas of the where and when. But I don't want to be 55 and looking back, and have nothing to say about the life I lived. Now is the time to do it, and I am going to. :)
Anyway, this is just a little story about a part of my life. I hope you've enjoyed reading, and thank you if you've gotten this far.
Roxanne
xoxox
PS.I have been receiving messages asking me why I would post something so unbelievably personal, and I have been asked if I am embarrassed by this, or ashamed.
First of all, I did not do anything wrong...this was done to me....so NO, I am not ashamed, because I didn't do anything bad, or hurtful. Embarrassed...well yeah, it's hard to put yourself out there...but I have also gotten positive feedback from sharing my story and how it has helped others feel not so alone in their situation. Some have expressed that it gave them the strength to stand up and get out of a bad situation. So, if my "embarrassing, or shameful" story, has helped even one individual, then it is worth it for me to share it. That was the whole point of it. I am proud of the fact that I got out of that alive, and only hope this can strengthen someone who may be in the same position unsure of what to do, and for those who may feel helpless... There is always a way out. And if anyone has any questions...they can ask me. I feel like I went through it and survived it so that maybe I could help someone else. :)
Roxie Feisty
- 16 years, 9 months, 8 days ago
