Today I'm admiting to myself whats going on and how depressed it's made me... Annie's birthday is coming up soon... September 29th ..... She would have been 9 years old. I toyled with the idea I could some how pull off this huge fundraiser and toy drive for her birthday. If other mom's have done it Im sure I could have too right?... So I started trying to find ways I could get this going and basicly I just couldn't get it pulled together quick enough... I realize I have a problem with not asking people to help. I dont like putting my problems on people I am not hanging out with 24 hours a day and I put ALL of my problems on the people I do spend a lot of time with. I feel like a burden taking help from others... ugh...

Anymore I have been slugish and just not all there. About a week ago I had gone completely bonkers... I seriously did, Im not trying to be funny. I told my husband I wanted a divorce, that I didn't love him anymore... I decided I wanted to move out... I was having a mental breakdown... I just wanted to get away. Leave everything I know, I wanted to be by myself and I thank God no one let me go because it could have been really bad. And when they wouldn't let me go I totally broke down, I was crying bawling and I fell asleep as I lay hystariclly crying...

Since that day I have been a little better, I've actually got up and around to doing everything I SHOULD be doing and havent... My son Gabriel starts pre-school next week and he has the same teacher Annie did... His teacher doesn't know yet, and when I have to tell her is when my sons going to be going to school for the first day and I dont want to be ruining his first day with this because I need him to know that he is important and that you CAN be happy again and that you will be... And that it's ok to be upset sometimes but it's ok to be happy too... We've been trying to let the kids know that so they can understand things better... Trying to remember special things and answering all there questions... Hearing all there heart ach about it... Gabe said to me the other day, "mom do you think annie can see spongebob on tv right now?" i told him i was sure she could and that he should remember she can see what were doing and that he could talk to her anytime he wanted but she wasn't going to answer back but she could hear him. he started crying and said he wish'd that that stupid blob (thats what we call it, along with cancer or tumor) had not come in her... And he got really angry and started hitting things and saying that he wished he could die...Its so hard trying to find words to comfort a child going thru this... Because it's not just me that it affected. She was my oldest child, Her brother and sister looked up to her as there guide, there savior... In the eyes of a child mother is god, father is there body guard and brother and sister are there best friend...

****All pictures were taken in Augest of 07****
Unknown "Super Cher" Courageous - 16 years, 2 months, 12 days ago

It's been a little over 5 months... Almost half a year without my baby.... I cleaned her room for the first time 2 days ago... I was crying like a little baby the whole time... I didn't pack any of her things. I basicly just vacuumed and put things where she would have had them... I also got her year book in the mail yesterday. It was pretty heart breaking. I tried to smell her on her clothes but the smell has gone away... I was so mad that the smell went away. So frustraited and angry. I watch video's of my Angel a lot. I dont ever want to forget her voice! Or the quorky things she did. Some people dont know how to act around me still and dont know what to say. When people ask me how many kids I have of course I say 3. It's when they after that ask "Oh really, How old are they?" that gets me... And then they feel bad for asking. I dont tell the whole story when someone asks anymore. I just tell them she passed away in Feb and end it there. Unless they ask but that's rare, most people feel it's to personal.

Today at the Zoo it was hard going without her but that's not why I'm writing about it. This woman was watching a group of children and all of them were behaving rather well I thought. She has this one child with her that needed to go potty and then when she got in there decided that she didn't want to go... (probably just public bathroom phobia very commen in kids) Anyway I just smiled and went out the door and they were right after... The woman just looks at me and said... " Sometimes I hate my life!" and all I could do at that moment was say to her "You should try mine..." and I gave her a dirty look... Later to realize, derrrr she doesn't know anything about me... I shouldn't have been so mean... People take for granted the things they have sooo much... I myself did too... And that's what hurts so much, I can't change the past and until I die I can't fix it either... Anyway yea.... That's my recent Tale :D
Unknown "Super Cher" Courageous - 16 years, 4 months, 2 days ago

Today we (my Team) walked in the Brain Tumor Angel Adventure Walk in Denver CO :D we raised $1,185 to go to research etc. in my Annie's honor! Gabe and Abby (my kids) were completely behaved which is GREAT! they totally made my day! A lot of people that I didn't think would show up DID!!! We had a great day!!!


Unknown "Super Cher" Courageous - 16 years, 5 months, 4 days ago

Today I'm Ready to talk....

I recently (Feb 3rd 2008) lost my oldest daughter Annie (Anage') From Gleoma Blastoma *Brain Cancer/Tumors .... Ugh... it was a sudden and very fast growing tumor... It spread from the top of her spinal cord to the base of her spine, into the center of her brain and into her cerabelum, both thalami, the core of her brain and wrapped around the outter sack of her brain... All in 3 weeks.... Im deeply saddened and depressed about this... It's been hard to keep up with anything and everything these days... ALthough I am getting into the swing of things again, nothing will ever be the same.... NOTHING....

On another note, I am participating in the National Brain Tumor Foundation's (NBTF) Angel Adventure Walk!!! Which is June 7th! I'm raising money for awairness and the like...

http://www.firstgiving.com/AnagesAngels

If you want more info on that just click the link above mmk :P




Unknown "Super Cher" Courageous - 16 years, 5 months, 21 days ago