One night, while (drunk) on the phone with Zoe, I somehow started ranting about my former relationships and how none of them have worked out. We came up with the idea to make a list of everything I’ve learned about myself through past relationships, and by knowing what I liked and couldn’t stand about my prior relationships, I could make a list of what was really important to me. If it seems like there are more “Must not’s” than “must’s” it’s because I’ve definitely found out more about what I can’t stand than what I can. To any ex-girlfriends reading this, I apologize if this hits a little close to home. Don’t be offended. We didn’t work out, and the reason(s) why is (are) more than likely on this list. Please also note that there are going to be things on this list that you might have been or done that I put down as a “must,” so you know you weren’t all bad. The list is forever growing and changing, so if I missed anything, please let me know. Here goes...
1. Must not smoke ANYTHING religiously! I’m sorry, it had to be #1.
2. Must not be a dumb shit i.e. must know difference between lose and loose.
3. Must not be less attractive than me…and I know how attractive I am.
4. Must not bitch at me for being a mess.
5. Must be cool with cleaning.
6. Must not bitch at me for having a bad diet. I know what I like, and I’m going to eat what I like.
7. Must not get so drunk that you throw up on yourself on a regular basis. I want to be a boyfriend when I go out, not a babysitter.
8. Must like hockey and dig the fact that I am a hockey player.
9. Must give head!! I go down so you’d better damn well do it too!
10. Must be shorter than 5’7”
11. Must not say crazy shit during sex.
12. Must not be Jewish…nevermind...I'm addicted!
13. Must not try to get me to convert. Ugh!
14. Must be comfortable with fact that I am not religious
15. Must be pro abortion/pro choice. IMPORTANT!
16. Must not expect to be spoiled!
17. Must not chew tobacco!! GROSS!
18. Must not have fake boobs!
19. Must like me.
20. Must not get upset if I don’t call on an hourly basis.
21. Must be okay with occasional boys’ night out
22. Must have normal parents.
23. Must have pop culture knowledge. Know who Steve Martin is, PLEASE!
24. Must not be a fucking lunatic. Don’t make me question your sanity on a daily basis!
25. Must not be a club rat. Must be okay with spending more nights in than out.
26. Must be ok with not having sex every night. And don’t take it personally when I’m not in the mood. I’M JUST FUCKING TIRED!
27. Must not be irrational about stupid shit
28. Must not be afraid to initiate sex. IT CAN’T ALWAYS BE MY JOB!
29. Must be okay with me being a Star Wars nerd.
30. Must be cool with my friends.
31. Must enjoy Apples to Apples.
32. Must like my parents. (not hard)
33. Must be okay with fact that I ride motorcycles. I’m not asking you to like it, just be cool with it.
34. Must not be against morning sex.
35. Must not hit me during sex. I will hit back next time.
36. Must smile and laugh.
37. Must make me laugh.
38. Must be clumsy. Perfect people don’t exist.
39. Must not lie! Or cheat!
40. Must not take my clothes (and later lose them…yes, LOSE not LOOSE).
41. Must make a mean grilled cheese!
42. Must like British humor.
43. Must smell good.
44. Must have tasty breath.
45. Must have something to teach me.
46. Must give good advice.
47. Must not want to move in with me.
48. Must not mention/talk about/hint towards marriage.
49. Must appreciate my personal space.
50. Must not try to gag me with their tongue on the first kiss.
51. Must fuck like a porn star.
52. Must make love like you mean it.
53. Must not be ashamed of being naked in front of me.
54. Must not hold a grudge. I say stupid shit. A lot.
55. Must be ok with fact that I’m balding.
56. Must not set impossible expectations.
57. Must not live in different country/state/city/county.
58. Must be a hopeless romantic. Must believe in happily ever after.
59. Must sing aloud while driving, and louder when people look.
60. Must not dress like a slut everywhere you go. There is a time and a place.
61. Must look good without makeup.
62. Must be okay with sweaty hands.
63. Must be okay with hockey smell.
64. Must like Happy Gilmore.
65. Must eat animal crackers in malicious way
66. Must be ticklish
67. Must scratch my back without me asking.
68. Must not ever take me too seriously.
Rich F Frisky
- 16 years, 7 months, 4 days ago