Notes on my list...

Let me start by saying I am only half-surprised by the responses I’ve received for my controversial little blog. Some were very nice, a sort of “You can do it” or “She’ll come along” bunch in there. Most of them, however, have been messages of animosity filled with curses of eternal loneliness and unhappiness from ex-girlfriends and friends of ex-girlfriends (yes…more than one). I think that both sides have misinterpreted what The List was meant to be, and I’d like this opportunity to further explain myself.

First, I will start by saying that this isn’t a personal shot at public humiliation for any of my ex-girlfriends. If I really wanted to publicly humiliate anyone (which I don’t) I would have probably named names (which I didn’t). I do realize that a lot of what I said was rather specific, but don’t you (ex-girlfriends) agree that what I listed was part of the reason we broke up?

Please notice that I said PART of the reason why we broke up. I think I failed to mention in the preface to The List: I AM NOT PERFECT. I know this; I’ve made peace with this. It’s cool…nobody is. In fact, I’m further from perfect than any girl I have ever been with. The reason we broke up was probably as much (if not more) my fault as it was yours (ex-girlfriends’). I don’t ever expect to find a girl with every attribute listed, nor do I expect myself to fit perfectly onto anybody else’s list. But that’s just why The List is so important: everyone should know their own “must’s” and “must not’s”.

I think everyone should have their own list. One of my ex’s already send me her own copy entitled “The REAL List” (really just taking a shot back at me because she’s really pissed-off) and IT’S GREAT! She clearly describes every reason why we didn’t work because of things she didn’t like about me. For example, one of her things was “Must not watch TV while out to dinner.” THAT’S PERFECT! I don’t fit onto her list just as she doesn’t fit onto mine. Saying this, nobody will ever fit perfectly. If you do fit perfectly with someone, you’re one-in-a-million and I am marvelously happy for you and forever more envious. Good relationships are built through compromises with each partner crossing only things that they are willing to give up off their respective lists.

None of The List was meant to harm anyone’s fragile egos and I apologize for any offence I may have caused. Also, I realize by writing The List I come off as a bit of a “self-absorbed jerk” but I assure you that I am no more of a jerk than the day we met and you (ex-girlfriends) decided that you liked me enough to go out with me (as I felt the same for you). The difference is: we each have bigger lists now. We have longer, changed lists with new things we didn’t know about ourselves before we met each other, and we both benefit from it. So in a way, I should be saying thank you to all of my girlfriends of old for helping me add to my list, both good things and bad.

This list was written by, for, and about me. I am not “demanding” any girl I might be with to be (or not be) any or all of the things on The List, it is simply what I’ve learned about myself thanks to girls I have cared about more intimately than anyone else.

I will not delete The List unless anyone has a legitimate argument as to why it should be erased.

Thank you for reading, and I hope my sincerest apologies are accepted.
Rich F Frisky - 16 years, 4 months, 7 days ago

One night, while (drunk) on the phone with Zoe, I somehow started ranting about my former relationships and how none of them have worked out. We came up with the idea to make a list of everything I’ve learned about myself through past relationships, and by knowing what I liked and couldn’t stand about my prior relationships, I could make a list of what was really important to me. If it seems like there are more “Must not’s” than “must’s” it’s because I’ve definitely found out more about what I can’t stand than what I can. To any ex-girlfriends reading this, I apologize if this hits a little close to home. Don’t be offended. We didn’t work out, and the reason(s) why is (are) more than likely on this list. Please also note that there are going to be things on this list that you might have been or done that I put down as a “must,” so you know you weren’t all bad. The list is forever growing and changing, so if I missed anything, please let me know. Here goes...

1. Must not smoke ANYTHING religiously! I’m sorry, it had to be #1.
2. Must not be a dumb shit i.e. must know difference between lose and loose.
3. Must not be less attractive than me…and I know how attractive I am.
4. Must not bitch at me for being a mess.
5. Must be cool with cleaning.
6. Must not bitch at me for having a bad diet. I know what I like, and I’m going to eat what I like.
7. Must not get so drunk that you throw up on yourself on a regular basis. I want to be a boyfriend when I go out, not a babysitter.
8. Must like hockey and dig the fact that I am a hockey player.
9. Must give head!! I go down so you’d better damn well do it too!
10. Must be shorter than 5’7”
11. Must not say crazy shit during sex.
12. Must not be Jewish…nevermind...I'm addicted!
13. Must not try to get me to convert. Ugh!
14. Must be comfortable with fact that I am not religious
15. Must be pro abortion/pro choice. IMPORTANT!
16. Must not expect to be spoiled!
17. Must not chew tobacco!! GROSS!
18. Must not have fake boobs!
19. Must like me.
20. Must not get upset if I don’t call on an hourly basis.
21. Must be okay with occasional boys’ night out
22. Must have normal parents.
23. Must have pop culture knowledge. Know who Steve Martin is, PLEASE!
24. Must not be a fucking lunatic. Don’t make me question your sanity on a daily basis!
25. Must not be a club rat. Must be okay with spending more nights in than out.
26. Must be ok with not having sex every night. And don’t take it personally when I’m not in the mood. I’M JUST FUCKING TIRED!
27. Must not be irrational about stupid shit
28. Must not be afraid to initiate sex. IT CAN’T ALWAYS BE MY JOB!
29. Must be okay with me being a Star Wars nerd.
30. Must be cool with my friends.
31. Must enjoy Apples to Apples.
32. Must like my parents. (not hard)
33. Must be okay with fact that I ride motorcycles. I’m not asking you to like it, just be cool with it.
34. Must not be against morning sex.
35. Must not hit me during sex. I will hit back next time.
36. Must smile and laugh.
37. Must make me laugh.
38. Must be clumsy. Perfect people don’t exist.
39. Must not lie! Or cheat!
40. Must not take my clothes (and later lose them…yes, LOSE not LOOSE).
41. Must make a mean grilled cheese!
42. Must like British humor.
43. Must smell good.
44. Must have tasty breath.
45. Must have something to teach me.
46. Must give good advice.
47. Must not want to move in with me.
48. Must not mention/talk about/hint towards marriage.
49. Must appreciate my personal space.
50. Must not try to gag me with their tongue on the first kiss.
51. Must fuck like a porn star.
52. Must make love like you mean it.
53. Must not be ashamed of being naked in front of me.
54. Must not hold a grudge. I say stupid shit. A lot.
55. Must be ok with fact that I’m balding.
56. Must not set impossible expectations.
57. Must not live in different country/state/city/county.
58. Must be a hopeless romantic. Must believe in happily ever after.
59. Must sing aloud while driving, and louder when people look.
60. Must not dress like a slut everywhere you go. There is a time and a place.
61. Must look good without makeup.
62. Must be okay with sweaty hands.
63. Must be okay with hockey smell.
64. Must like Happy Gilmore.
65. Must eat animal crackers in malicious way
66. Must be ticklish
67. Must scratch my back without me asking.
68. Must not ever take me too seriously.
Rich F Frisky - 16 years, 4 months, 16 days ago