Even epic relationships must come to an end. And by epic, I really just mean those ones that are so deep that they transcend time and space, they feel like they will continue through anything, they are somehow too powerful and meant-to-be for anything to destroy them. But it does happen, they do end.

I have never done well with the idea that anybody (even the not-so-great ones) should permanently leave my life. I still have friendships with several ex-boyfriends, I'm even somewhat friendly with my first husband (that took 5 years to develop, but it still became a friendship after everything we went through back then). This time, though, I see that epic relationships can fail. After being friends all through high school, 3 years of dating off and on (that's when my very brief first marriage happened), a year of engagement, 4 years of marriage... To be truly happy, that relationship must be severed completely.

I have never actively separated myself from another person. When necessary, I have let time and busy schedules do it for me. Laziness works too- just not making time to talk with a friend that you just don't care to be close to anymore... But to stand up and say "I'm done with this relationship, no matter the exact definition, so I am going to stop it completely," that's another story. I'm not sure how it's done, but I guess I'm about to stumble my way through and figure it out.
Unknown "Inked Goddess" Serene - 16 years, 1 month, 14 days ago

Another sporadic update...

Things are going great at the tattoo shop! I really enjoy stabbing people in the face all day long (yeah, some people want their navel or whatever pierced, but faces really are most common right now) and being thanked for it! I could handle bigger paychecks (who couldn't?), but the fact that I have any job is a rarity in Michigan these days so I am happy. I'm even being totally adult and paying my bills way before they're due... This being a grown-up thing isn't so bad...yet.
Unknown "Inked Goddess" Serene - 16 years, 2 months, 19 days ago

Time to update everybody on my life. The soon-to-be divorce is going pretty well, I guess. The drama has definitely subsided. And I'm finally employed after the move downstate. I'm learning to do body piercings. I have the most amazing coworkers, the kind that you want to hang out with even after a terrible 10 hour day at the shop. I think I'm ready to blast my hair into a new color for my upcoming birthday, I feel like a change. Trying to be independent for the first time ever in my life is scary and hard, but it's such a powerful feeling to have bills in my name only and know that they are being paid entirely by me. Yeah, that part will wear off quickly, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
Unknown "Inked Goddess" Serene - 16 years, 4 months, 6 days ago

I have come to realize that my last post may have been confusing to just about everybody. So, now for the back story...

In December we took a family vacation to Louisiana for Christmas. We drove. On the return trip to Michigan it was raining a whole lot. A portion of the expressway in Mississippi had basically turned into a small pond, immediately followed by another pond-like area of road. There was some spinning of the vehicle and lots of mud when we hit the median. We came to a stop 2 ft from a cement ditch that led straight into a deep cement culvert kind of thing. Had the car gone into that ditch it would have flipped in that culvert and there's a good chance that all 3 of us wouldn't be here today (the car's a '93 Ford Probe, I'm not sure it's any butchier than the Geo Metro I used to drive).

Anyway, a few months later I was driving home from dropping off the stepkid, and I experienced driving in the rain for the very first time since December. I tried very hard to stay calm, trying every confidence-boosting trick I knew. About 15 miles into the drive I knew I needed to stop, but I pushed on another 20 miles. By the time I couldn't handle it and had to pull over (I used a rest area, that had been my goal destination) I was hyperventilating, my heart was racing so fast that I couldn't find my pulse, I was crying so hard I could barely see (I was driving about 20 mph, so no worries), and I had started to hallucinate that there were big fish swimming down the road because it was so flooded.

I sat in the rest area crying for 90 minutes while I waited for my brother to come get me. Every time the rain picked up and I could hear it in the skylight I screamed, I couldn't look out the windows because seeing my car caused the panic attack to escalate, and seeing other cars on the road made me cry harder and fear for their safety.

3 months later, I can drive in a light rain as long as it's daylight- nowhere near dawn or dusk, just the middle of the day. I've even been driving when the rain has picked up a bit, and as long as I'm not alone in the car I can make it. I drive a lot slower and have to focus on my breathing while forcing the passenger to try to distract me, but I can make it. I still can't drive more than a couple blocks if it's wet at night, even if it's just wet roads and not actively raining. Driving alone in even light rain is an event, I have been known to call my mom and beg her for a pep talk. But, I can get places, sometimes, and the world has not ended just because of rain, or the fact that I sometimes can't drive.

Little steps, honey, little steps.
Unknown "Inked Goddess" Serene - 16 years, 6 months, 12 days ago

An accomplishment, albeit minor... I drove 6 blocks in the truck, knowing full well that it could start pouring rain any second. OK, so it wasn't actually raining at the time, but I don't like driving the truck in the first place, and the potential risk of it raining and causing a panic attack made it a real accomplishment. Not the biggest accomplishment in the "rain panic" area, but I recognize them all. I bet eventually I won't cry in the back seat if I have to go anywhere in a thunderstorm, and I might even be able to drive myself places, using the gas pedal and everything...
Unknown "Inked Goddess" Serene - 16 years, 6 months, 15 days ago