I really dont know what to do anymore, its been nearly a month now, three weeks since we've spoken and i'm trying, i'm trying so hard to keep going and to look on the bright side, there is something good out there right? There is still reason to keep going isnt there?

I only come here to see her, check if she's doing ok.. hope she's well... i know its the reason she's not blocked me from this facebook and myspace.. Its just, so hard when i want to say so manythings, i want to try.... to do something about this.. but i cant i'm not allowed to. She never wants to see me again.. thats pretty fuckng final.. after all i only bring her pain, i dont blame her. I just.. want to be able to do something,, anything to help, anything to make the pain less and give hope not for me but for her..
I dont know how.. i'm not alllowed to..

Please, be good to her, she's the best person you'll ever know and i mean that with every fiber of my being. Jessie truely is the light in the darkness, a shining star unto the night, a single word of hers can inspire hope among the hopeless, i was gifted with nearly a year with that woman, i would know.

Time and distance.. its suppose to make it better, easier to deal with? I hope for her it is the case, for me... not a chance.. i dont know whats happening anymore.. i dont know if she even looks at this or cares how i am.. i hope so.. but i'm rather short on hope at the moment..

I cant take it back, whats happened has happened... I just..wish i had the chance to do something about it.. not for me.. for her.

anyways.. its stupid early... i should go.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be better then the last day for you, i keep you in my heart always..
Matthew Fleming "best friend-NFS" Misses his pet terribly - 16 years, 1 day ago

I'm not looking for advice, 'its okay's', drama whoredome, or the like, so keep it to yourselves.

I know i haven't been posting much within the last few years, i just have become more of a private person in my twenties. I've less need to throw everything out on an easel and let the critiques have at it. Its just how things have gone over the past few years. Plus i know of only a handful of people who actually read and comment on this journal so i just use it to check other peoples, which i do, everyday.

Recently, i lost the one person that's mattered to me the most over an act of my own doing. I... don't know how to deal with it right now, i don't know what to do anymore besides keep going. I'm on auto pilot right now, you wouldn't be able to tell really unless you see me on a day to day basis, of which i don't think anyone here does. Honestly i think that's why I've not posted a lot in here, no one in here i see on a day to day basis, maybe that's my own fault, or mainly because i created this for NERO people, whatever the case, it doesn't matter much.

I've destroyed someone i care for and love deeply. How do you deal with that? How do you come back from being the Monster within the Shadows? How do you deal with this knowledge when just a few days past, a few months you were there light within the deep, there "Shelter From the Storm" and now it comes to: "Listen, i don't want to see you anymore, so don't call or text me again." You cant.. you cant come to grips with what you've done, the pain you've caused, the light and hope that you've crushed. Your sorry for it, you beg for forgiveness, scream and shout to god and whoever would listen to just take back that one action, that one thing that broke the person you love more then your own life.

But there is no going back, There is no forgiveness, No Redemption, no Solace.

You're not a Noble Knight, you're not the Light in her life, you're nothing you aspired or wished to be, your a Monster.

You've Destroyed Her: Live with it and die with it.
Matthew Fleming "best friend-NFS" Misses his pet terribly - 16 years, 6 days ago

Please, please god, make this stop, take this all back, please take it, i dont want this... I love her so much, how could i of done this to her, she will never trust me again, she will never forgive me... she hates me now... i dont want that, i dont want to crush this Fragil Soul...

i'll pay anything, any price, just please, make this right...
-breaks-
Matthew Fleming "best friend-NFS" Misses his pet terribly - 16 years, 6 days ago

No matter what i do, no matter where i go, there you are, wanting to know.
Why did i do it, did i not care? How could i do this to you and still claim i care?

Fallen so far, fallen so long how can i return to whence i've come?

Sword and shield abandoned, claws and fangs taken in trade, what have i done? What have i become?

A monster waits for thee, within the swirling void, inch by inch you come, closer to becoming one.

All i've ever wanted for you was peace and happiness.. and i've traded all we've had for one fools treasure. Never did i mean this, never did i want it like this..

Once he brought happiness and light, now he is but a creature of the night.

MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!
Matthew Fleming "best friend-NFS" Misses his pet terribly - 16 years, 13 days ago

If I WAS IN UR BED

If you woke up one morning and saw me in your bed what would u do?

1) Go back to sleep
2) Tickle me
3) Scream
4) Push me out the bed
5) Arouse me
6) Climb on top of me
7) Cuddle me
8) Make me breakfast
9) Ask me my name
10) Call the cops

Repost in your tales too!!!!! and see how many people want you in their bed...you might be surprised by the answers you get back.

Matthew Fleming "best friend-NFS" Misses his pet terribly - 16 years, 21 days ago