Some of my press photos for the UNKLE show in SF that were published on treblezine. Check out the article here.

UNKLE review
Unknown "Cunning Linguist" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 8 days ago

My review of Whole Foods Market
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Hello Hipster Nation!

Dear lord this place is packed to the gills with people wearing the latest in emo & hipster fashion. You can't throw a "Bright Eyes" CD without it hitting a few pairs of horn-rimmed glasses (note: I do crush on women with those).

The cheese! Goddamn there is some good cheese selection going on here. I'm from Wisconsin so I know what the fuck I'm talking about. They always have oodles and oodles of samples that I repeatedly stab at with my toothpick (at least until they run my ass out of the store), but since they're samples it's calorie-free! Woohoo!

This is only a few minutes walk from my place, but the trip can take up to an hour of preparation:

- iPod shuffle... check!
- Ironic t-shirt ("dead inside" in a fleur-de-lis motif)... check!
- Clunky black shoes... check!
- Fixed facial expression with a patina of disdain.. check!
- Etc..

Listen up! You will be judged and rated by the staff and customers alike. For real, It's hilarious people-watching and tracing the complex network of fleeting glances the people give each other here. If charted it out, it'd look like a web created by some kind of coked up spider. This place has a hell of a meat-market going on (both senses)... at least for a freakin' grocery store/cafe.

Oh and why the hell can't they even manage to sell a matchbook for under $5?!? (albeit an "organic" one, lovingly hand-crafted by native Tibetans on the foothills of the Himalayas)
Unknown "Cunning Linguist" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 8 days ago

My Yelp review of Coachella Music Festival
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This is my Yelp review of Coachella.

Coachella is a lot of fun. They play good music there.

The End.

- Jason

PS: Holy refugee camp, Batman!

PPS: I'm sorry, laptop. I really don't know why I took you along or what I really planned on doing with you at a refugee camp; Perhaps, if someone had considered that the 16,000 who were camping might require more than a couple dozen laptop checkin slots when you advertise freakin' WiFi, I wouldn't have had to keep you in that 200 degree oven that was my tent during the day. Farewell my friend, we'll meet again in Tir na nOg!

PPPS: Many apologies, dude walking past the port-o-potties. It was either, open my door and let the cooler 110 degree air in or pass out and die from my flesh getting cooked inside that blue plastic box. I really didn't want my mother receiving a call "I'm sorry ma'am, but your son was baked to a crisp in the shitter". Hope you aren't scarred for life.

PPPPS: Rage Against The Machine fans + enormous drum circle past noise curfew vs. a hundred riot police in full gear + helicopter shouting that people will get arrested if they don't go back to their tents. A couple of drunk guys rush the line, get tasered/arrested and then the police *poof*.. they disappear. I believe one of the cops finally said to the others "Um, guys?... RATM fans masturbate while fantasizing about this very scenario every night"

PPPPPS: What the hell was I thinking when I said I would be back at work on Monday?!?
Unknown "Cunning Linguist" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 8 days ago

Review for Yelp event at Therapia (a spa)
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There seems to have been some perception by the majority of the straight men of Yelp that this event had nothing to offer to them.

To these men, I suppose I understand your conflict. On the one hand, you have hordes of gorgeous Yelp women being pampered, drinking wine, high on sugar from the truffles and loosened up with back and foot massages. On the other hand... well I suppose the "other hand" was your date last night.

Quite the dilemma, indeed!

ADDENDUM: After consultation with Phil, we agree that this was a horrible, awful event. You straight guys made the right decision to stay away and leave so few of us poor dudes to fend for ourselves. Just a tip... treat your date well and remember to always use water based (not oil!) products.
Unknown "Cunning Linguist" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 8 days ago

My Review for Bacon Dog Cart
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It appears, as we turn the corner, like an apparition out of nowhere. I look to my friends...

Me: Is this it?
L: Yes. Yes it is!
Me: The famed "Bacon Dog Cart"? but I thought it was just a myth!

Apparently the Cart only appears at night to those who believe in it... and have quaffed a magical elixir called "All-Ko-Haul".

Lauren scoots in front of me to grab one of these delicious bacon-wrapped meat wands. I believe it took her only 2 bites to finish the poor thing off.

There's this nagging sensation I can't get rid of as I await my beautiful wiener to be slavered in condiment goodness.

Me: Lauren, aren't you Jewish?
L: *nods head* Yes 100%!
Me: I might not be a rabbi, but isn't that verboten?!?
L: I DON'T CARE! I HAD TO HAVE ONE! WANT MORE!!!!! *wild-eyed crazy eyes at my hot dog*

That's why it gets 5 stars. It's TRUE the Cart can make a JEW break a TABOO! (That rhyming FOO'? Why it's me, that's WHO!) I'm not religious, but that's some serious shit right? Doesn't she get thrown out of Valhalla or something like that?

EDIT: I've been informed that Valhalla isn't Jewish, I guess that must be the Christian one. The Judaic version is where after they cast the One Ring into the Crack of Doom and then sail off into the Undying Lands... right?
Unknown "Cunning Linguist" Cheeky - 16 years, 8 months, 8 days ago