History sometimes gives us a terrible shock and that is because we don't quite fully understand. Why should we? We're too small to realise its final pattern, therefore, don't try and judge it from where you stand.
Chance "צאנס" Evasive - 16 years, 6 months, 4 days ago

Something is breaking inside of me. Something made of fine threads of ice is shattering slowly, not melting but crumbling and ringing like tiny silver bells. Bleeding like music.

There is desire, dying like old grapes wither, and sorrow, diminishing and rotting like roses in late autumn, but in it's place there is nothing, neither happiness nor rage, merely silence and cold. I swear that I feel colder everyday, and it isn't the weather.

I dreamt of burying my heart in a pretty place with old stones and great stone crosses and stumbling, crumbling monuments. I buried it there underneath a chestnut tree with a small stone. I was holding it like a dead child and I kissed it and pressed dirt around it to keep it warm.

And I awoke to find that there was still a churchyard in my heart, rather than the other way around, and the bells toll all day long and all night, endlessly, the death knells for nobody. Hell's bells.

I wonder what would happen if I went away entirely, would anyone care? I somehow doubt it and I don't remember if that should hurt.
Chance "צאנס" Evasive - 16 years, 7 months, 17 days ago

Mildewed, I am, rusted, wizened with centuries of the sorrowful world. Broken, I am, broken like the mirror whose fragments reflect a thousand faces, and I am dark and eat beetles and night-moths with frail wings, covered in scars of my own making, pale and mad-eyed. I am a god complex, I am a snake crawling beneath the stones in the most beautiful darkness, a deadly poison in my bite, but so fragile and afraid my head will be crushed by a careless boot. A wolf alone, who loves, howling alone at the world's end, all the sehnsucht, all the yearning and hunger, all the grey emptiness and dark beauty of the night in his song.

Love me, though I am full of holes love and hatred have made in me, for I am not shards of one thing, I am many things, all of them, every one. Madness is a word the empty people use to name the strange metamorphosis of the mind that allows mortal things like you and I to become eternity, a small eternity that exceeds these dimensions.

Ostracized and alone, I stand at the helm of a sinking ship ready to sacrifice everything... and for what? What future do I have to look forward to? What life ahead awaits me?
Chance "צאנס" Evasive - 16 years, 9 months, 13 days ago

I awoke feeling as if my heart was out of my chest; a phantom touch upon my face that I remember quite vividly although it has been years since it last happened. My youngest, when you would pick him up, had this thing about examining your face with his hand while you held him as he communicated to you quizzically with gurgles and coos. The dream itself was painful enough (although better than the cold sweats I awoke to Monday), following one of the three children into what was my old room at my fathers yet had been set up differently... more like my old room here once was. It was unfortunately a lucid one, as most of them are prone to be, and what is said about being able to control lucid dreams merely by being aware that they are, in fact, dreams is not entirely true...
Chance "צאנס" Evasive - 16 years, 9 months, 20 days ago

Every step of my journey is guided by my inner map of right and wrong, of family and selflessness. Even on those occasions when I've failed, as everyone must, my missteps were of judgment or simple frailty and were not in disregard of my conscience. For in there, I know, reside the higher principles and tenets that move us all closer to our chosen gods, closer to our definitions, hopes, and understandings of paradise.

I did not abandon my conscience, but it, I fear, has deceived me.

Is there a divine entity out there somewhere, laughing at my foolishness? Is there even a divine entity out there, anywhere? Or was it all a lie, and worse, a self-deception?

Often I have considered family, and the betterment of the individual within the context of the betterment of the whole. This was the guiding principle of my existence, the realization that forced me from home. Now, in this time of pain, I have come to understand, or perhaps it is just now I have forced myself to admit, that my belief was also something much more personal. How ironic that in my declaration of family, I was in effect and in fact feeding my own desperate need to belong to something larger than myself. I was seeking comfort and guidance, only I was looking for the needed answers within, whereas so many others seek them without.

By that understanding, I did everything right and yet I cannot dismiss the growing realization, the growing trepidation, the growing terror, that I, ultimately, was wrong.
Chance "צאנס" Evasive - 16 years, 10 months, 24 days ago