There are a lot of things wrong that I cant really account for.
I lied. When I think about some of the things going on, I don't really feel like my unhappiness is occurring without reason. Of course, sometimes the chemicals in my brain have something to do with it too. but that is no reason to think that the lame things people do to me have nothing to do with me being depressed.
I been trying to make a routine; eating good food, exercising, and whatever, but basically I been binging on junk lately because I am so fucking frustrated and freaked out about getting into med school, and trying to get a job, and lack of friends or jerk friends dont help much.
As far as I remember, arent friends supposed to give a crap about you? arent they supposed to be considerate? Sure, its okay to be absent minded every once in a while, and I understand if you have your own problems, but even in the midst of my problems I have always been willing to talk or hang out or be there for a friend that needs it. When someone you know dies, I will be there for you. When I make plans with you, but I have to change them, I call and let you know, instead of letting you sit around wondering where the fuck I am when I said I'd be there. Especially if I knew about it ahead of time, I would tell you.
But its okay, because I already knew she stopped giving a crap about me. If I tell her about something, she usually doesnt listen. When not one, but two tragic deaths occured, she spent most of her time away from me, although she spent maybe a day or two around to show she cared. When her friends were all gone, I was the last one she picked to hang out with, and I think its mostly because she needs a place to stay. She also snaps at me, for simple things; its like she cant stand hanging out with me so she has to pick at whatever she can, without actually telling me that she just wants to stop being friends.
This awful feeling that she no longer wants to be a good friend feels like when you think someone is cheating on you: your instincts tell you the truth, but you dont want to believe it. I'd like to think that she does think about my feelings and that she knows I must be feeling depressed when I tell her all the nightmares I been having. I'd like to think that she wanted to be around when my grandpa died and my friend died, but she thought that since my dad deals with death a certain way, I would deal with it okay too, forgetting that I never had a death of anyone in my life.
(And just so you know, just because a doctor has developed a way to deal with death in his/her career, doesnt mean that a family member or a friend will be dealt the same way. Those are different facets of a persons life, and you cant expect that someone can deal with all parts the same.)
I'd like to think of a million ways to explain why it feels like she doesnt care, but none of them are satisfying. She has always been inconsiderate of my feelings, or really, just me in general. I can tell you many stories just to show it. I'd like to think that I havent fucked up as many times, although I'm not really sure. At least I know I been thinking about her when she probably didnt think about me.
I dont really care if she sees this. Maybe with this she can understand what I feel because I cant verbalize it very well. I been heart broken for a long time, and I feel like this has been dragging on for too long. I'd rather not be friends than feel like shes just hanging out with me because I'm her last option. I promise I'm a better friend than she seems to think I am.
I'll continue with the other things bothering me, later.
Unknown "baby Koopa" Frisky
- 16 years, 6 months, 8 days ago
