Why are Matters of the Heart so Bloody Confusing?
Let me start with Tuesday. Scott and I were IMing. He asked me how I was (I think I responded that I was good) and I asked him if he had gotten rid of his cold yet and other stuff like that. Then I asked him if he had a problem meeting my family and my SCA family all on the same day but in small groups, and he said that wasn't a problem at all - we've discussed it before. Since he is interested in the SCA, I have been preparing him for that for awhile, since going to a SCA event would be more fun and less awkward than dinner with my parents or something. (Besides I figure if a guy can't handle a SCA event with both families then he's not at all the guy for me.) I told him that is probably what will happen at ValDay. (I was basically giving him the chance to back out now, before I make him a tunic.) He asked me when ValDay was again and I said Valentine's Day, Feb. 14. He said brb. Then he came back and said something about his boss not getting his request and that he was working on it. I left that alone and spent 24 hours assuming that was his way of backing out.
Yesterday (Wednesday), when I logged on he said Hi. I said Hi. Did you get the 14th off (or did I scare you off with my families?) He said that he got it off and I didn't scare him. Right then I didn't realize how worried I was that I had freaked him out. I said, Yay! I'll start working on your Tunic tonight! (Side Note: I never went to the Credit Union & JoAnn's and so haven't started it yet.) Then he said "Do you Mind if I ask you a question?" and I said "No, shoot"
He said "How do you feel about us? Honestly?"
It took me a bit to come up with an answer. I honestly didn't know how to answer it. I (eventually) said "I really like you. I don't have anything to compare to or with. Although I was kinda wondering why you have't tried to hold my hand or kiss me..." (On the drive home from my last two dates I have been trying to figure out is "he's just not that into me" or if he's just taking things really slow because I'm so inexperienced.)
He said that is because he doesn't know how he feels. He said that I'm intelligent, funny and beautiful (I felt *squee* at that) that I'm everything in one one awesome package but that he doesn't feel a spark. He said that he doesn't regret any time he's spent with me, that he always has fun but that he feels more like we are just really great friends.
Then he asked for my response.
I said (the only thing I could think of) "At ValDay I will introduce you as my friend, Scott."
To which he responded with a :D and he said something about he was glad and that he didn't want to stop making plans with me. That I when he met me he had gone on a bunch of first dates with a bunch of different girls and I am the only one he still sees and that he hasn't dated anyone else since he met me. That maybe something will change or something.
He said he thought I might be catching on to his feelings but that he wanted to be upfront with me.
I said something about maybe the real reason we met is to introduce the other to their real heartmate. (Is it obvious that I have read a lot of historical romance novels when I say things like "heartmate"?) At the same time he said something about we have no idea what God has in store but that we met for a reason.
So, I have no idea what this means. I don't really know how I feel. How am I supposed to feel?
I was reading parts of this aloud to my sister when my dad happened to come home. I didn't realize he was actually listening to me (he is partially deaf and often doesn't hear us) until he came home from singing at church. Aloysious (our "little brother") just got his license and had dropped by (conveniently at dinner time) just as my mom came home. My dad came in the door and said to my mom "Has Sarah Jean told you yet?" and my mom said "told me what?" and my dad said "That she and Scott are 'Just Friends' You Know what that means, right?" My Parents NEVER dated they were best friends and up until 2 weeks before they got married my dad was introducing my mom as "just a friend". I just sat there. And then I had to explain it. During which Aloysious said "this sounds like a text message" and when I said I was IMing he laughed. Sometimes....ugh! 17 year old boys...
Later, my mom asked me how I feel about it. And I said I kind of felt relieved. I didn't say it aloud but I also felt confused...
As I write this entry I realize I also feel sad. I don't know why.
I am writing this entry now because I cannot sleep. I have tried twice. Part of that may be because I got up at 9:30a, played with the dogs and watched some tv and then fell asleep for 2 hours. But I doubt that is the real reason.
Unrelated to Scott, I found a guy on OkCupid with whom I have so much in common that it's almost creepy. However, he lives in Texas.
Unknown "Artemis" Festive
- 15 years, 11 months, 12 days ago
