The kendo class was like going back home after a long absence. It was very good. I over did and was in physical misery, but at least I know I am alive.
School has started up. That is good as well. The only thing is that for the last three yers at the end of the work day, I looked forward to coming home to be with Mike and Laurine. Now the house is so much quieter. There are so many exposed nerves around here. I open a drawer and find gifts we meant to give Mike for Christmas. I rummage through the hall closet for a coat and find a shirt Mike sewed patches on. At other times it is like living in a vacuum -- no air, no sound. Laurine and I are going to join a group for bereaved parents, but that does not start until the 28th. We wait.
We still have to order the headstone for Mike's grave. This is so hard. I did not know anything could hurt this much and not draw blood.
I know Mike did not want us grieving too long or too much. How much is too much? Too long? Grief is a very private, very self-ish thing. In many ways it is selfish. How does a person carry on? (Mike would say"Gee, Dad, you seem to be carrying on quite nicely. Just don't do it in public." You gotta love his sense of humor.)
Unknown "Sheriff Bob" Loyal - 15 years, 10 months, 14 days ago

Tonight I went back to kendo. Mike had me promise him I would. It has been about seven years since I attended keiko (practice). I have missed it every moment. It felt so good to be back. Admittedly, there were time during the warm up exercises I thought I was going to die. I also know tomorrow I am going to be sore in places I never knew I had places. Yet, right now I feel at peace and alive. I kept thinking that Mike would get to see me at practice and would know I am keeping faith with him.
I just wish Mike were there to practice with me. He always said he wanted to beat on his dad with a shinai (the bamboo-stave 'sword' used in kendo). I wanted to return the compliment.
Thank you Torrance Kendo Dojo.
Unknown "Sheriff Bob" Loyal - 15 years, 10 months, 19 days ago

Mike is dead. He died December 13th at 11:40 am. His mom, Laurine, was on one side holding his hand, I was on the other. My hand was on his chest as his brave heart slowed to a stop.

Our world is torn asunder. Of course we believe Mike is in the presence of his Lord and Savior. Mike has run his race and has been victorious. He now has a body that will not betray him. It is OUR world, Laurine's and mine, that is in pain. We miss him so. It is like having to learn how to breath all over again. Or, perhaps, like part of our life is intact and functioning, but there is a portion just torn away where what was there is there no longer. Nothing to replace it, just gone, empty. And it hurts.

At his funeral, a friend of mine, awarded Mike his eagle feather for having fought a great fight, for having struggled against a great enemy. When the saints 'cast down their golden crowns', I guess Mike will have an eagle feather. I am very proud of Mike, and I am grateful to Chris for awarding Mike the feather.

My son. I miss him.
Unknown "Sheriff Bob" Loyal - 15 years, 11 months, 4 days ago

Things are a bit less than ideal right now. About 4 weeks ago Mike had an emergency MRI that showed seedling tumors throughout the ventricles in his brain. This is very bad news. We were told to "measure our time in months and weeks." The oncologist threw his hands up at that point and told us "Give me a call on Monday and let me know what chemo you want him on." We spent time scrambling and reading the research papers. We have come up with a cocktail that we hope will give Mike more good days. (In fairness to the onco, on whom I tend to be rough, once we chose chemoagents, he did come up with a fairly agressive regimen for administering them.)
Today, Mike's white cell count is next to zero. This means his immune system is pretty much depleted. Laurine and I are trying to decide whether we should hospitalize him (read that as expose him to every resistant bacteria known) or try to manage him here at home. Theoretically, anything they give him at the hospital, we should be able to give at home -- if we can get it, a problem on weekends.
Right now, our strongest weapon against this thing is prayer.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus.
Unknown "Sheriff Bob" Loyal - 16 years, 1 month, 11 days ago

Sorry for the long absence. End-of-semester, caring for Mike, getting those nasty things done around the house (why can't a house be more virtual?), etc.

Mike is doing well. Last week end he shot with The Cowboys in Norco, CA (Yay!) at their annual Ambush at Mill Creek (Yay). Unfortunately, he was forced to shoot with wax bullets (Boooo!) because some folks were afraid to let him shoot the real stuff. Mike still had a good time with his friends and managed to enjioy the shoot overall. (I still say he would have done better to shoot Corn-Nut out his tookas, than to have to deal with those wax bullets! At least then, he could have gotten a decent 'ding' when he hit the targets.) At the end of the shoot, folks admitted he would have done just fine with lead. I did not know whether to to be happy or slap the snot out of someone, so I kept my mouth shut.
Overall, we DID have a good time hanging out with the best folks on earth.
We have also acquired a wheelchair van. It makes getting Mike oot and aboot so much easier!. Its a Dodge Grand Caravan with a Vision rear-entry wheelchair conversion. We just open it up and roll Mike on in, belt everything up or down (as appropriate), and we are ready to roll.
Next weekend is a Five Dog Creek shoot with The Rowdy Wranglers in Bakersfield. We'll see if'n we can get Mike up to that!

Unknown "Sheriff Bob" Loyal - 16 years, 6 months ago