MAN VS WOMAN

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, before he'll do his laundry. When he's finally out of clothes, he'll wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the launderette.

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Men see the phone as a communication tool. They use the phone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General Custer.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, graphic equalizers and video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "AA" batteries to operate.

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she's on holiday. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to a house full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed, get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black jacket."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he's serious.

When four or more men get together, they talk about football. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie 'THE WAY WE WERE' twice, voluntarily.

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, try saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flushes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything, women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the wardrobe, you "just don't understand".

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

If it's not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

Women never check to see if the toilet seat is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying leap towards the bowl and then bawling men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and football games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "The Ceremony". Men talk about "The Stag Night".

Women look good in hats, men look like dicks.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she's having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Unknown "smiler" Cheeky - 16 years, 1 month, 9 days ago